Opinions on New Stuff

[† Anras Rune]

Hello people of Kametsu! Been a long time hasn't it. Anyhoo, considering the sudden little jolt in the lit section's ass as of late, I decided to see if I could get a little advice/help on a story that quite literally came to me in a dream. I'm not even sure if this coherent at all.

I mean, it was quite literally a case of me waking up and going "Holy fuck, that was an awesome dream! Wait. That would make an awesome story! Paper, fast!" before falling on my ass is a mess of covers and sheets while desperately trying not to forget the little details that made the dream awesome. But alas some of the details are gone, some are distorted and some are just down right weird. What I'm asking is a little help too see if this actually sounds any good, and if so, should I begin work on it?

Please, be brutal here. Anything that sounds off, or what ever do tell me. It seems I'm rambling again, so here is some of the detail. At present, cause I couldn't remember there being any real plot other than what is stated in the setting section of what I managed to jot down.

Setting: It was a post apocalyptic setting, with a ruined futuristic cityscape where massive skyscrapers have been blasted open and left to decay and the ground is scorched and dry. The Witch is found at the only green part of the whole city, near its centre and surrounded by circular and geometric garden fixtures. Her area is actually a large airship, as is revealed later (as it was revealed later on in the dream I mean, the actual design wasn’t really evident, but it seemed similar to Haven from Mortal Engines). The actual setting, backstory and the likes wasn’t touched upon in the dream, as it focused mostly on the Witch making contact with tribals in amongst the city and giving them an Elixir to remove disease and other things. But thats for later.

The Witch: In the dream she seemed, cold, calculating yet oddly humorous and always sarcastic. She seemed to have a complicated with the other named character; Satan, jumping between an intense hatred to a jovial and almost romantic friendship. I can’t really remember what she looked like (other than she had black hair and was constantly covered in what appeared to be motor oil or axel grease, further alluded to when she mentions her “profession”) Her name isn’t actually the Witch as far as the dream went, and was actually the name the tribals had given her. She is the creator of the Elixir, or at least I believe she was, and only wanted to give it too 33 individuals; 12 males and 21 females, but after it is revealed that the “Liasons” have given it in a watered down form to most of the organised tribals she is revolted and warns of troubles to come. Wasn’t touched on in the dream as too what, but that will be easy to rectify myself. She seemed very intelligent and in control of her emotions, except in her interactions with Satan. She also had a fondness for orchestral music, and intially chose the “Tribe” due to their musical talents that she witnessed during dance/ritual they were performing.

The Devil (Satan, is what I called him after waking up): Nothing much was touched upon in the dream. Other than his interactions with the Witch, he does not actually say much. He was often seen prancing about, almost as if doing ballet, while he was interacting with the Witch. He seems to have an intense love of food, specifically the food the Witch had in the marketplace onboard her airship. Where the food comes from isn’t touched upon however. He is seen in every interaction cooking a meal of some sort and has access to perfectly clean plates, silverware and proper dinner clothes, along with flowers despite no flowers being shown onboard the airship or elsewhere in the dream (notable exceptions being the Hippy-eque tribal group that the “Liasons” interact with later in the dream, who have daisies and other small flowers in their hair and houses). He was always in a white suit with a red rose on his lapel. He also is the only character to wear shoes (I didn’t see the Witch’s feet but I imagine she wear sandals or something similar) and is also seen cleaning and polishing them.

I'll put more info when I'm finished decrpyting (the handwriting is atrocious, as too be expected when in a rush, in the morning and crumpled in pain from jamming your "jewels" into a chair leg... ) and translating it onto my computer. Does this seem interesting or am I just whacking out cause it was a dream? Do you guys and gals see any potential in this for development?

Edited December 5, 2012 by Anras Rune

[The Welsh Paddy]

I do see a lot of potential here. You've already painted a pretty good picture, and I've already got images of what The Witch and Satan look like. I can picture Satan either wearing a chef's apron, but without a hat, or a neat suit (again without any headware) and having his hair oiled back. Dunno if you've seen X-Men First Class... But this guy is how I can imagine your character Satan looking, but with pale white skin and no makeup or anything.

And I can imagine The Witch being dressed kinda like a car mechanic, but covered in oil and stuff.

I say you go on ahead with this, it's already sounding pretty awesome dude.

[† Anras Rune]

I do see a lot of potential here. You've already painted a pretty good picture, and I've already got images of what The Witch and Satan look like. I can picture Satan either wearing a chef's apron, but without a hat, or a neat suit (again without any headware) and having his hair oiled back. Dunno if you've seen X-Men First Class... But this guy is how I can imagine your character Satan looking, but with pale white skin and no makeup or anything.

And I can imagine The Witch being dressed kinda like a car mechanic, but covered in oil and stuff.

I say you go on ahead with this, it's already sounding pretty awesome dude.

Lol, he did, in retrospect, look kinda like Azazel (that guy's name! bit of nerdy goodness for you!) but at the same time looked like the devil from Constantine. I mean, the dream was surreal as hell, but the little character interactions seemed brilliant. It was the dancing shit that stuck with me though...lol

I'll have more stuff up tonight I think. Maybe in about an hour or so...

[The Welsh Paddy]

Haha, yeah, Azazel sent shivers down my spine when I saw him in First Class. Definitely the best X-Movie so far. Ooh, the devil from Constantine was really cool also. This guy sounds like he'd be kinda messed in the head a bit... Kinda like Kefka in FFVI...

I'm looking forwards to seeing some more for this.

[† Anras Rune]

Well here is a little bit more of the stuff I've managed to transfer. If anybody see any trends or themes that I seem to be missing, please mention them!

The “Liaisons”: The three tribals that the Witch initially contacts upon her arrival in the Ruins. They consist of two women and one man. Their names again, are never mentioned in the dream and in fact they aren’t even called the Liaisons, twas something I named them for ease of remembrance. The two women are roughly the same size, witht the man being a few inches taller. One of the women, the “Leader” has chestnut brown hair that is marred by the accumulated grime of their lifestyles, yet her hazel brown eyes and her face shows some signs of latent beauty beneath the muck. She had seemed French (I know that sounds weird, but she had that look of French ancestry about her). The other woman had dirty blonde hair, further exaggerated by the grime, but was overall much less inhibited or reserved in her interactions with the Witch, being somewhat more direct and aggressive at times (Confrontational is the word I’m looking for). She had a much more germanic appearance about her, with dark blue eyes and small scar across her nose, as if it had been broken despite its otherwise normal appearance. She has a much more toned and muscled body than her brown haired counterpart, who was much more slender. I’ll call her “Passion” for sake of convenience.. The man, who for sake of convenience again, I dubbed “Logic” due to his demeanour. He seemed to be the voice of cold reason amongst the three, not showing compassion for her compatriots amongst the tribes, unlike Leader and Passion’s adamant stance on spreading the Elixir. He had short, messy black hair and the beginnings of a serious beard and had central heterochromia, with light green-grey colour on his iris with a light hay/yellow brown central splash around the pupils. He was also well muscled and was shown to be a hunter, after catching a deer in the sparsely green areas surround the Tribal campsite. Their interactions amongst each other were often heated and emotional, with the exception of Logic of course. The only emotion he ever displays is disdain at their initial quest to spread the Elixir. Logic and Leader both show rudimentary knowledge in mathematics, science and mechanic; Logic seems to have deeper understanding than he lets on, but Leader is definitely skilled in mathematical logic and arithmetic. Passion on the other hand seems to have more interest in music and art, as she is shown painting and is later shown sculpting the statue they create to commemorate the coming of the Witch. She is also seen tattooing the tribals with their distinctive geometric and musical themed hallmark tattoos. She also shows skills in fighting, when she confronts a tribal leader for access to their water, overpowering the larger man and breaking his knee and later, when the man returns, his spine. Logic is also shown to have extensive combat skills when he is hunting with his spear and his “axe-sword”. He also confronts the foreign tribe that Passion instigates the fight with and maims two men in the process; hamstringing one and cutting off the other’s elbow (that made me wince, even in my sleep...lol).

Tobacco: This guy is named so as he often seen smoking a pipe or chewing what appeared to be tobacco. He seemed like a stereotypical cowboy and was actually the only person I saw with what appeared to be a gun. I’m not actually sure if it was a gun and if it was, I’m not sure if it was functional. Anyways, he was the leader of the tribe that the Liaisons pertain to and was often seen playing a banjo like construction and an old harmonica; the only thing in the whole dream that actually looked like a present day item. He also is the only one in the whole dream that talks with an americanised accent and is very courteous to the Witch. He is seen later to be somewhat brutal as he chastises Passion for the fight with other tribe’s leader and also kills a tribal from his tribe with an axe when they try to hurt the Witch. Like Logic, he seems to know a lot more than he actually shows and it was alluded to that he had met the Witch before. He is also the only other person that has any contact with the Devil, when he comes to the airship and walks into the marketplace. When the Witch walks into the marketplace he is seen sitting with the Devil; laughing, dining and smoking with him, as if they are old friends. The Witch seems visibly disturbed by this. Despite his jovial, laid back demeanour, he is shown to have an almost predatory side when dealing the Witch, something she picks up on after the incident with the Devil. Before I woke up, he was seen drinking a pure sample of the Elixir that he had taken off Passion while she was unconscious, yet it wasn’t shown whether this was from an accident, by his hand, or if she is just sleeping. Judging by the distorted facial expression I feel it was the first or second one. After drinking it he is seen smirking in an very disturbing manner. (This is when I first woke up, but fell back asleep and into the dream again. the incident with Passion wasn’t mentioned so I can only think that I fell back into the dream at an earlier point, or she was only just sleeping.)

Edited November 29, 2012 by Anras Rune

[The Welsh Paddy]

Am I the only one who thinks any of this is awesome?

All these characters are very interesting. The general concept behind a lot of them is begining to remind me of the Fallout series, but not in a way where it feels more like a rip-off. It's all nice and fresh, but at the same time has some of the elements from various books, games and films that I've enjoyed.

By any chance, have you read Garth Nix's book Shade's Children? Probably my favourite story set in a post-apocalyptic world, and so far all these ideas you have seem to be on par with that.

[† Anras Rune]

Am I the only one who thinks any of this is awesome?

All these characters are very interesting. The general concept behind a lot of them is begining to remind me of the Fallout series, but not in a way where it feels more like a rip-off. It's all nice and fresh, but at the same time has some of the elements from various books, games and films that I've enjoyed.

By any chance, have you read Garth Nix's book Shade's Children? Probably my favourite story set in a post-apocalyptic world, and so far all these ideas you have seem to be on par with that.

Apparently so Paddy, apparently so. Either that or no one has bothered to read the thread and reply, which I suppose is just as bad as it reflects on the idea...lol

Not thinking too much into it however. But anyhow, thematically speaking this story seems more reminiscent of the latter stages of Cloud Atlas, or even a break down of the human psyche. At least to me it does. I suppose we all perceive things differently don't we? Lol

Also thanks, I think. I'm not sure if the last bit was a compliment or an observation in something else. I mean, I've read Shade's Children, Garth Nix was one of my favourite authors back in the day. But I never really liked SC. I suppose I just couldn't get into it like I could his other stuff like the Abhorsen Trilogy. But meh, I'm probably thinking over it too much.

If you are interested I'll finish posting details and might post the introductory/first chapter here for critique. Or I might just pm it too you. Depends on the traffic here I suppose...

[The Welsh Paddy]

I thoroughly enjoyed SC. So yeah, that observation was meant as a compliment. xD You should probably stick it all up in this thread, though. I'm sure someone else will eventually take a good look at this and give some more feedback as well.

[Breathless]

Please do post your updates in this thread! It's sounding great! I've actually been stalking this every update but I'm not sure what feedback to give you. Keep it up though, it really does sound awesome!

[† Anras Rune]

Lol. Fair enough. I have more stuff that I need to edit a little for incoherency, but i'll post it up here in any case I suppose. What I'm thinking of doing is a forum formatted story for it too try some stuff out. I mean, it worked for HN despite there not being an audience for it, just as a way too get ideas out in a concrete fashion. Meh, I'm rambling again...lol

I was wondering if you guys had any ideas for what the Elixir could do? I mean, once I've posted the other stuff, which is mostly plot points and setting things, as well as some little events that happened. Or should I wait and try out the forum format story thing and see what it feels like while I'm going along?

Again any advice is appreciated!

[The Welsh Paddy]

Well, you stated in your first post that it was to cure disease. Maybe this could be at the expense of something else? I think some sort of side effect to the Elixir would be interesting, or at least for the watered down version. What about it setting a timer, for lack of a better word, as to when a person's body would just literally collapse in on itself? Just throwing random ideas out there. xD

[Breathless]

I also thought the elixer was to cure a disease, my second thought was that it was for reproduction means. It could also be to build an immunity so they can have an expedition to another plagued landmass and greedy greedy Tobacco wanted in!

I guess it could also be something like a strength booster - something like the Tyrant Virus from umbrella corp? (Resident Evil)

[The Welsh Paddy]

It could also be to build an immunity so they can have an expedition to another plagued landmass and greedy greedy Tobacco wanted in!

I second this notion.

[† Anras Rune]

I guess I worded it wrong. What I meant to say, is that the Witch said this to the three Liaisons, but didn't elaborate more on the subject. She never delved into it, but seemed like she was about to explain near the end of the dream. So immunity to a disease could be in it, but the way she actually reacts to the news they'd given watered down samples too people made it seem a whole lot worse. I am realise I'm saying this without giving you guys more details, so I'll post the rest of what I've got after I get back from shopping.

Also, you guys never gave your opinion on whether I should post a forum story for it. I mean, I don't really want to be working without any audience, but I suppose thats what has become of this section as of late. Any thoughts on the subject?

[Breathless]

I'll read it, even if no one else does! I don't think it's wrong to post it on multiple platforms aswell, one here and one on fictionpress for example. I'm not too sure where the best place to be would post it would be. Personally, I think you should post it here and if you feel there's not enough feedback - post it somewhere else aswell. But having a good story might just be what the literature section needs to become active again so why not?

But I'm spitballin' here, I don't want to force you to post it somewhere you don't want to.

As for the effects of watering it down, I was actually thinking about what effects that might have today. sticking with the whole immunity / cure idea, I would understand if the elixer was too strong it would infect people rather then save but in a watered down form I can see nothing but it just being ineffective. Maybe the watered down would make the elixer effect people with a recessive gene - or would react with the chemicals badly mutating others? It's hard to say so I'll just wait for your next post!

Edited December 10, 2012 by Breathless

[The Welsh Paddy]

Any literacy community. I don't really know of any myself, but should you decide to post it up here, I'd definitely read it. Also, no matter where you post it, anywhere you post it afterwards will simply be a cut and paste job anyway, so even if people don't read it in certain places, you've probably only waster a whole of two minutes if that.

I doubt posting it here would do any harm, and myself and Breathless are eager for more.

[† Anras Rune]

Welp, I've decided I'll post a forum version in the end, once I have the plot ironed out and characters properly pegged down. After a long think I've sorted out the Elixir's effect and I must say it turned out nice but you'll have to read to find out! haha!

Now I just need to think of a name (as I already have the first chapter/prologue pretty much finished typing) and get myself psyched to post. Hopefully get a bit of an audience, lmao!

[DrumRoll]

hmmmm, seems interesting. Although I only skimmed it, I must admit:D

Perhaps you should work on the bigger picture next, set the national/global stage. Were all countries brought to a similiar state of ruin? Or did certain nations survive with more technology intact than others? What technological stage is the world currently in, you reference Mortal Engines (awesome series BTW) so steam punk perhaps?

Does the witch have powers? Is she ostracised because of her gift or is she an outsider? Are there others like her and are they hostile towards her? What is her ultimate objective?

I always find that it helps to think big and whittle the story down until you are left with characters which fit the world you create. It helps to dismiss the feeling that the world revolved around the main character and everyone else is merely part of the background, devoid of personal ambitions.

Although, saying all that, I am a total n00b when it comes to writing. BUT I read a lot of.....well anything really.

good luck in all your endeavour:D

and if you ever make it big don't forget to add me in the foreword (aka the bit no one really bothers to read because its just a load of angsty, self-aggrandising piffle)

[† Anras Rune]

thats generally what I do Drum. But this story wasn't the product on me just sitting think or even when I was conscious at all. So I'm pretty much filling in gaps from the foundations.

 

But anyways, I think I have a decent plot line down and a half decent background that'll get introduced like a drip. But I'm not sure whether I want to try and make this a series or just a standalone, and because of that I can't fill in the back ground accordingly....ack!!

 

But yeah, I'll be posting up a thread for the first couple of chapters in a couple of days max, see what you guys think about it then.