Heaven Out Of Hell

[Slayer]

This is a modification of a poem that I posted on old FM

I stepped out into the thin sunlight

I rode the powerful wind that day

The beast was kind and carried me home

And I said goodbye with a smile

I ate the juciy fruits that day

I sang the rhythms pleasing to me

I laughed as my sanity played dead

And I left all of my despair behind

I sat and wondered where you were

I turned my hand to see your name etched on the skin

I have felt those things in my quiet dreams before

But until now I have been incomplete

And as the sunset approached,

I put you and I together

Not with words,but with feelings I never felt before

Not with my senses,but completely with thoughts foreign to me

The result was my love for you

So with great unease

I took the day's last breath

And thought of it as

Another beautiful day gone by,without you to hold in my arms

I refused to close my eyes that night

And have for some past days

And will for more days to come

All of my heart and soul

I will devote into that one thought

The thought on if you are barely living without me as well

All of these questions I will hope to answer tomorrow

Because tomorrow might be a friend

Because tomorrow might be the day when your silence and my will

Happily collide and make heaven out of hell

Edited October 7, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[-PHXN- New001]

I like the poem with teh exception of the resolution.

It seems incomplete. I would prefer with a poem like this you would end it with a sense of longing

[† Emotional Outlet]

As far as my opinion goes, a poem is complete if the poet deems it so. A lot of novels have a vague ending, one that may seem incomplete--yet by most standards it is complete, regardless of what the audience is whining about.

And the "feeling of longing" is subjective. Maybe the poem does evoke it in some, maybe not in others. Just because it doesn't occur to you doesn't mean it didn't occur to others--not many people have written poetry/prose that had a single, universal effect on those that have read it. Interpretations vary, and it's stupid to even mention it in a review unless you're saying something like, "I thought it was very serene and calm in the beginning," or whatever.

[Jammer]

As far as my opinion goes, a poem is complete if the poet deems it so. A lot of novels have a vague ending, one that may seem incomplete--yet by most standards it is complete, regardless of what the audience is whining about.

While I thought this poem in particular was "complete," I don't agree with your way of thinking. Just because an artist says something about their own art doesn't make it true. I believe art is formed to a large extent by the subconscious, meaning the artist isn't aware of everything going on, and is no more capable of explicating it than the next guy.

[† Emotional Outlet]

If a creator thinks something is finished, then I'm not going to argue that. If they think it's the greatest thing on the planet, that it portrays such and such an emotion--that's debatable.

I'm not going to argue with a creator about how they feel in terms of whether it's a completed work or not. It's a stupid thing to argue when there's plenty of other things to assess.

[Jammer]

How is "completeness" different from any other kind of qualitative judgement?

Say someone wrote a novel but didn't proofread it. It's full of typos, misspellings, etc. And yet they claim it is "complete." Are they right?

[† Emotional Outlet]

If they feel they have written all they wanted to with that work, then yes. As far as it goes in terms of acceptable presentation in this day and age, probably not, since most people can't stomach spelling and grammatical errors. If a creator wants to present something full of mechanical errors, gaping plot holes, whatever, and piss off the people who read it, that's their choice.

Just because I won't argue with a creator in terms of how they feel that a work is finished or not doesn't mean that I worship everything that all creators crank out.

[-PHXN- New001]

It was just my opinion...

No need to rip it apart.

[Slayer]

i think you are all right.i agree that there are some things that author does not see.It's his art he should know everything right?nah people view art differently according to thier own personal experiences.it only seems incomplete to him, doesnt meant it is and it doesn't mean that it isn't.

I guess i should post the original one for a comparison.i edited somethings and entirely transformed the ending.the critique I recieved for it said that the poem closed with a feeling of completion as if it had taken the course of a circle.

I looked at the original and I noticed that the major change was the addition of the last two stanzas.so tell me if you took those last two stanzas out would it feel complete to you?

[† Emotional Outlet]

New001 ]

It was just my opinion...

No need to rip it apart.

If Jammer is going to me shit about what I say (after all, it's "just my opinion" and there's no need to "tear it apart"), nothing is sacred. Grow a thicker hide or something. And I'm not saying that I'll necessarily agree with a creator if they say that a piece of work is completed, same as I won't automatically agree with all of their views of their work--I'm just not going to argue over that small of a detail as that and instead focus on other things, unless they specifically point out that they themselves aren't sure or want to know about the feeling of completion. I just don't think it has much room in a critique when so much more could be said instead, if you actually had something more to comment on than "it doesn't feel complete".

It seems completed to me either way--with or without the last two stanzas. Removing the last stanza alone would, however, make it feel incomplete to me, if only because of the reference to a "thought" that isn't really covered earlier--though I suppose it could be an allusion to something earlier, but I prefer being told specifically what something is instead of just guessing at it, especially when the author knows what it's supposed to be.

[Slayer]

*i edited the last stanza

^really appreciate your comments bernie.if you look at the revision I made, it clearly says what that thought is but it earlier it said it too.i havn't really read a poem where the author just says it out plainly what the thing is.I guess the reader just has to figure out.A lot of times after the poet dies his life's events are recognized and then people can better infer what his poetry was about.

[-PHXN- New001]

New001 ]

It was just my opinion...

No need to rip it apart.

If Jammer is going to me shit about what I say (after all, it's "just my opinion" and there's no need to "tear it apart"), nothing is sacred. Grow a thicker hide or something. And I'm not saying that I'll necessarily agree with a creator if they say that a piece of work is completed, same as I won't automatically agree with all of their views of their work--I'm just not going to argue over that small of a detail as that and instead focus on other things, unless they specifically point out that they themselves aren't sure or want to know about the feeling of completion. I just don't think it has much room in a critique when so much more could be said instead, if you actually had something more to comment on than "it doesn't feel complete".

It seems completed to me either way--with or without the last two stanzas. Removing the last stanza alone would, however, make it feel incomplete to me, if only because of the reference to a "thought" that isn't really covered earlier--though I suppose it could be an allusion to something earlier, but I prefer being told specifically what something is instead of just guessing at it, especially when the author knows what it's supposed to be.

Don't start an argument by disrespecting other peopls opinions. Done.

And yes I do like the resolution of this poem much better honestly, I reread the poem and I like the new stanzas much better than the past ones. Especialy the second to last one. Very thought prevoking ending IMO.

[Slayer]

^thanks a lot man

[† Emotional Outlet]

New001 ]Don't start an argument by disrespecting other peopls opinions. Done.

And don't quote unneeded information? Who was disrespecting? I didn't disrespect Jammer's opinion since his was not available when I first posted (nor any times afterwards--I don't think, anyway), and if you think I refer to your critique mean-spiritedly, I'm not. I see no personal attacks--only a discussion. I have no issue with either you or Jammer--and if you have issue with how I interact with people here, I'm going to pull what seniority I have and say that I've been around FM being the person that I am for quite a while now and have not caught much hell at all. But yeah, I'm gonna get snippy if someone says something like "it was just my opinion"--that's a weak argument. I understand if you don't want to respond to it--so don't (there's plenty of times during a discussion where I have nothing to say or can't argue what I think, so I keep my mouth shut)--but don't try to hinder me from speaking my mind.

Anyway. I understand if you don't want to state outright any aspect from the poem. I'm just lazy and don't like to spend a lot of time analysing things I read for pleasure, since I have to do it a lot for my AP English and History classes. Mostly what I prefer to see is all facts being stated, but reasons behind those things aren't explained, and that's what has to be inferred from a character's behaviour, and so on. But I just like to not think when I read.

And after spending too much time analysing speeches, I'd just like to note that the mostly consistent anaphora and parallel structure is nice. Of all the rhetorical strategies, it's the easiest to recognise and is the most effective, I think. I kind of see the poem going full circle--I get a sense of indefinitively more than anything, so it's going in multiple circles.

[Slayer]

^that's nice EO because most times poems are left for readers to interpret while the poet dies young

so you have to kind of make the poem your own by sticking your interpretation in it

[Slayer]

thanks a lot guys. 2 years after the last post of this thread, I come back to it take your suggestions and give it in as english hw xDDDD

[Koby]

LOL.. nice one Slayer.. easy homework assignment. xD