Untitled Story Written by Me.... part 1

[BrairMoss]

As the title suggests, this is just a quick little prologue to a story I was trying to write. I could give background info on everything involved if you asked really really nicely but its not mandatory to understand the story. I have almost given up on it, and would like some opinions as to whether I should continue or not.

That being said, here it is.

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Cailan heard the faint sound of footsteps approach. He forced himself to sit with his back to the wall of the room. The room was more of a prison cell made for the purpose of hiding a prisoner. Breathing in, he could smell a faint lilac scent. Inwardly he groaned, he knew what this meant, they were back for more.

As he opened his eyes a female voice sang out “Well… ready to help us yet, hmmm?” Cailan stared into the face of one of his captors. A girl slightly older than him stared back. She had black hair that reached half way down her back that framed her tan face.

“What do you think, Airis?” he growled as he spit the last of his food at her.

“Oh, come now! All this could stop…..”

“Why would I help you? I love you, I gave you everything and you betrayed me… for my childhood friend!? Why would I join you?”

“Well then, I guess we need to see how much more you can take.” She turned her back on her and yelled “Come on then, I guess we get to have some fun.”

Almost instantly, Cailan could hear the doors opening, footsteps approached and a man’s face appeared, his childhood friend Hayten. Hayten stood even with Cailan, yet a head taller than the average man. Leaning down, he placed his muscular arm around Airis, kissing her briefly. “Well then…” he half whispered to her, as he fumbled with the keys to unlock the prison door. As the door opened, he quickly walked in grabbing Cailan and pulling him with him. Too weak to fight back, Cailan allowed himself to be dragged along to another room, where they restrained him in a chair.

“Come on Cai, you should just join us already!” Airis’ soft voice chimed from across the room.

Looking into her hard set eyes, Cai replied “Go to hell!”

A swift slap caught him across the face. “That is no way to talk to a lady.”

“Some lady you are, using me like that. Hayt if I were you, I’d be worried that she’d do the same.” Cai screamed as a sharp edge of a knife sliced into his chest. For what seemed like half a day, Cai was treated to a series of cuts, that Airis than took the time to heal. Finally Cai was dragged back to his cell.

“If only you would join us… We won’t have the patience for this much longer.” Hayten exclaimed.

In too much pain, and too tired to care, Cailan curled into a ball and fell asleep. When he awoke several hours later, he was staring into the hazel eyes of a young lady. As she noticed him open his eyes, she drew back. He noticed that she had long blonde hair that framed her pale face. He couldn’t be sure if it was just the light, but he couldn’t help but notice how pretty she was. As he tried to stand up, she quickly pushed him back down.

“No no no! Don’t get up, you need to rest.” She seemed to be naturally speaking, but it came out in a sing-song voice. Again he noticed how pretty this made her seem. He took note of his surroundings and realized with a start, he was no longer in the prison, but in a plainly furnished room. “Now lay there for a minute well I go get you some food.” He stared at her and watched her leave, taking note of how the clothes she wears accented her body perfectly. His heart ached.

He muttered “how can I find someone after all that has happened.” She returned carrying a tray and when he tried to sit up, she flicked her hand and he found himself on his back, unable to move. “That’s a nifty trick” he got out before she put a finger to her lips. Setting the tray down she picked up the spoon and began to slowly feed Cailan some broth.

“Well, look at how weak you are. How did you manage to survive this far? I saved you, you know. You were being held in a hidden room in my fiancé’s house. I say fiancé…. It wasn’t my idea, it was forced I don’t even like him. My name is Alvina by the way, what did you say yours was?”

Finding it difficult to talk while staring at his girl, Cai swallowed a couple times before saying “My name is Cailan, thank you for getting me out of Hayten’s house.”

Alvina gasped. “How did you know his name? Wait! You are that friend he said he had right? The one he said would always help him? Seems he was wrong. Now back to sleep with you.” She whispered with a light swing of her hand, not that it mattered as Cailan was already asleep.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[Xanodus]

Nice! I like this prologue very very much ^^ Don't stop/give up now, the idea is amazing! Great work!

[† Emotional Outlet]

I think you should continue it--I'm interested to see what happens next. And background information is always appreciated, but not mandatory.

[wyattearp23]

Loved it, made me visualize and the characters were genuinely interesting. Keep going it sounds good.

[BrairMoss]

Well I did get all the way to chapter 1. But there are parts in it that I wanna delete and am not too sure about. It sounds very rushed and chaotic and not very much sense made. Like that last sentence.

Anyway I will post as soon as I got the chapter edited I guess Possibly later today.

[Zanco]

Wow... Uh... Well I ain't gonna beat around the bush, the deliverance was awful. I liked the idea of it all but it's so... Boxed together. It felt like I was reading a last minute school paper that wasn't even double checked. The dialogue was generic and way-way! To fast a paste. Also the way you described each character was like the worst thing you did in you're untitled story. "Framed her face" You used that to much, you gotta mix it up. You could have said some thing a like; "Her lusciously wavy flowing black hair was as if mucky mosh following her back down to her moon shaped thighs, in witched framed her face like a disgusting painting of remorse and sorrow." Be a lot more descriptive and take as much time as you can to write/rewrite/double check and what ever else you need to develop good literature.

Also the way you describe where people are and the surroundings. You've got to say shit like "Across the caging of my cell I saw his face" because I didn't know who was in the cell and who wasn't until Hayten unlocks the damn cell door. You've gotta be more specific with stuff like that. Now with the dialog. "“Well, look at how weak you are. How did you manage to survive this far? I saved you, you know. You were being held in a hidden room in my fiance's house. I say fiance…. It wasn’t my idea, it was forced I don’t even like him. My name is Alvina by the way, what did you say yours was?”" That right there, god! Ether you're trying to make this seem like a rambling bitch that wont stop talking or you shoved to many things together at once. Now this is the second worst thing you've done so far. You've gotta separate these things with extra dialog, or actions, etc. Other wise it just looks like you where just rushing it along to get to another chapter in the story that you where really exited about. And that just looks bad. I hope what I've said can help you in any way and I hope you don't get mad at me for trying to help. The story's got potential I'm just trying to help bring out that potential.

[BrairMoss]

Wow... Uh... Well I ain't gonna beat around the bush, the deliverance was awful. I liked the idea of it all but it's so... Boxed together. It felt like I was reading a last minute school paper that wasn't even double checked.

It is unedited. Well "edited" in the sense that I may have changed some things from paper to computer.

The dialogue was generic and way-way! To fast a paste.

Generic in what way? Almost as if I haven't decided to give each character an accent, or make them swear every other sentence? Cause I haven't. Number 1 reason why I stop reading something is the unnecessary use of swearing. Since when would a new world have the same meaning for "shit" as we would?

Also the way you described each character was like the worst thing you did in you're untitled story. "Framed her face" You used that to much, you gotta mix it up. You could have said some thing a like; "Her lusciously wavy flowing black hair was as if mucky mosh following her back down to her moon shaped thighs, in witched framed her face like a disgusting painting of remorse and sorrow." Be a lot more descriptive and take as much time as you can to write/rewrite/double check and what ever else you need to develop good literature.

Yeah, I used that a few times, the person I was writing it for likes that description. It was never meant to be permanent. As for being more descriptive of the characters, no. Giving a vague general description and letting the reader picture the character how they want works much better and engages the reader much more than describing exactly how they look. Why not just make a comic then?

Also the way you describe where people are and the surroundings. You've got to say shit like "Across the caging of my cell I saw his face" because I didn't know who was in the cell and who wasn't until Hayten unlocks the damn cell door. You've gotta be more specific with stuff like that.

It was a room, not a cell.... 4 walls, a door that's locked, no window. It's also just a short piece to get across the point and who the main characters are, since nothing is ever happening there again, there is no need to describe every cobweb and crack in the wall. "It was a room meant to hold someone in" gives a good enough picture for most people.

Now with the dialog. "“Well, look at how weak you are. How did you manage to survive this far? I saved you, you know. You were being held in a hidden room in my fiance's house. I say fiance…. It wasn’t my idea, it was forced I don’t even like him. My name is Alvina by the way, what did you say yours was?”" That right there, god! Ether you're trying to make this seem like a rambling bitch that wont stop talking or you shoved to many things together at once. Now this is the second worst thing you've done so far. You've gotta separate these things with extra dialog, or actions, etc. Other wise it just looks like you where just rushing it along to get to another chapter in the story that you where really exited about. And that just looks bad.

Yay! Run on sentences in stories are my favourite. They give away that the character is talkative, annoying, refuses to stop and really listen. I meant to have her go on longer.

I hope what I've said can help you in any way and I hope you don't get mad at me for trying to help. The story's got potential I'm just trying to help bring out that potential.

I'm not mad, I really don't care that someone didn't like it. What I care about is getting actual constructive feedback. Since the majourity of people I know, who actually read, prefer to imagine characters how they want, I won't describe the character in excruciating detail. It brings to mind Lord of the Rings. I know so many people who just skip over the first chapter since it is like 50 pages of pure description about a forest. People can imagine a forest they don't need 1000 words to see it in their mind.

I guess I'm trying to say, the more descriptive the author is, the less likely the readers are to visualize and picture the story.

I'm sorry that I write in a manner that I would like to read (I skip overly descriptive paragraphs in books all the time unless its actually crucial to the plot, locations are not).

[† Emotional Outlet]

I'm of the same way--my character description tends to be sparse and I have to force myself to actually say what they look like. It's painful for me, because descriptions like this

"Her lusciously wavy flowing black hair was as if mucky mosh following her back down to her moon shaped thighs, in witched framed her face like a disgusting painting of remorse and sorrow."

are too purple and too much like erotica or fan fiction for me to take seriously. This is strictly a taste thing--other people may find this to be perfect. I have a hard time slogging through fifty paragraphs of description and it shows in my writing. Spartan description of characters and location is not a sin. Yes, I agree there is such a thing as too bare and there is such a thing as too purple--finding that balance is difficult, and what works in one story may not work for another. Where that balance lies depends on the author, and an author who is just dreadful at writing description is better off with sparing details than writing garbage. That's just my unprofessional opinion, of course, haha.

Yes, the story needs polishing. Every story posted here needs polishing. That is a given--we don't have editors or panels of people reading and checking our work for us. The only people who check the stories posted here (correct me if I'm wrong, please) are generally the authors themselves. Speaking for myself, when I go to read over something I've written, I've already spent a lot of time looking at it. I'm so involved and attached to my work that I miss things.

This happens to anyone who creates anything. Artists who spend a long time looking at a painting may miss things because they've been looking at it for hours on end. Someone with a fresh perspective can come by and notice a glaring error the artist never did because they're looking at it with fresh eyes.

I saw the scene with Alvina as someone who is a bit talkative speaking to someone who is in no position to be talking or someone who is still in shock and can't find the words. She may have been rambling because the circumstances surrounding his rescue were rough or terrifying for her and she's still on edge. Maybe she's nervous because she has a strange man in her bed. I don't know.

Nothing is perfect. Yes, there are spelling and grammatical mistakes. There are errors in formatting. It could take some rearranging and beautifying. Some areas could be revised. Again, I think that's a given with drafts that aren't professionally reviewed. It sounds like this is a first draft that had been put to the wayside and he just wanted to know if this was something worth pursuing.

Being in the writing community for as long as I have and dealing with people who are extremely sensitive to criticism, no matter how constructive, I generally shy away from offering it if it's not requested, even if the author doesn't seem like one to start bawling when someone says they have a few spelling errors. Trying to offer criticism to everyone, whether they ask for it or not, is really time-consuming. I'd really rather work with the author in editing it than just tossing up some things I noticed, haha.

[BrairMoss]

Whoa wait! What spelling mistakes? I'm pretty sure the spelling is at least right!

Edit: On a side note, I really hate fan fiction.

Background info on this was: Characters are semi based off of real people, and what not. I wrote it originally for my, now ex, who wanted a story. After the break up I just sorta tossed the file into the lower reaches of my computer until recently when I found it and thought about it. So that's why it may sound weird to some people, it was tailored towards one person and written in a way they like.

Any spelling mistakes may simply be Canadian vs American spelling.

[† Emotional Outlet]

Haha, I don't give people grief for regional spelling. Just from skimming it again, there were three that stood out to me.

that Airis than took the time to heal

It should be "then".

“Now lay there for a minute well I go get you some food.”

More grammatical, but it should be "lie". She's giving him a command, which should be in the present tense, not the past.

taking note of how the clothes she wears accented her body

Grammatical again--it should be "wore". It might be more appropriate if he had known her for a while and is familiar with her style of dress, but even then.

I didn't mean to imply that it was teeming with errors, haha. My bad. They are incredibly minor mistakes and don't detract from the story at all. A draft is a draft is a draft--it's never perfect, and I don't believe in penalising people for that, haha.

[BrairMoss]

Haha I meant spelling mistakes only, I knew there would be grammar mistakes, that's what the edit process is for!

[Zanco]

It is unedited. Well "edited" in the sense that I may have changed some things from paper to computer.

Generic in what way? Almost as if I haven't decided to give each character an accent, or make them swear every other sentence? Cause I haven't. Number 1 reason why I stop reading something is the unnecessary use of swearing. Since when would a new world have the same meaning for "shit" as we would?

Yeah, I used that a few times, the person I was writing it for likes that description. It was never meant to be permanent. As for being more descriptive of the characters, no. Giving a vague general description and letting the reader picture the character how they want works much better and engages the reader much more than describing exactly how they look. Why not just make a comic then?

It was a room, not a cell.... 4 walls, a door that's locked, no window. It's also just a short piece to get across the point and who the main characters are, since nothing is ever happening there again, there is no need to describe every cobweb and crack in the wall. "It was a room meant to hold someone in" gives a good enough picture for most people.

Yay! Run on sentences in stories are my favourite. They give away that the character is talkative, annoying, refuses to stop and really listen. I meant to have her go on longer.

I'm not mad, I really don't care that someone didn't like it. What I care about is getting actual constructive feedback. Since the majourity of people I know, who actually read, prefer to imagine characters how they want, I won't describe the character in excruciating detail. It brings to mind Lord of the Rings. I know so many people who just skip over the first chapter since it is like 50 pages of pure description about a forest. People can imagine a forest they don't need 1000 words to see it in their mind.

I guess I'm trying to say, the more descriptive the author is, the less likely the readers are to visualize and picture the story.

I'm sorry that I write in a manner that I would like to read (I skip overly descriptive paragraphs in books all the time unless its actually crucial to the plot, locations are not).

Look pal, if you didn't want any "constructive criticism" then don't ask for it. All you're doing here is criticizing my advice that I gave to you, trying to help you. And all you're doing is trying to relate my fucking work to the way I am. And one last thing, and this one's crucial. Cause I did this to your little story up above like 12 time just to try to give it more credit then I actually saw fit: Learn how to read, because "skipping over paragraphs" don't cut it. Don't even reply to this because people like you make me not want to give a shit.

[BrairMoss]

Look pal, if you didn't want any "constructive criticism" then don't ask for it. All you're doing here is criticizing my advice that I gave to you, trying to help you. And all you're doing is trying to relate my fucking work to the way I am. And one last thing, and this one's crucial. Cause I did this to your little story up above like 12 time just to try to give it more credit then I actually saw fit: Learn how to read, because "skipping over paragraphs" don't cut it. Don't even reply to this because people like you make me not want to give a shit.

I don't even understand a single thing you are trying to get across in this post. Let me go with what I am assuming you are saying which is "BrairMoss is a moron".

Now that that is all settled, to the people who actually matter, since school just started up, I'ma be a little busy and probably a lot less likely to actually edit anything I may post, who knows when/if this will happen again.

[† Emotional Outlet]

Yeah, that dumb BrairMoss! Such a dumbhead! I mean, seriously. So dumb. Like a dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. (This is sarcasm.)

Anyway.

I don't know about other people, but I don't mind seeing rough drafts being posted here. You can always go back and edit/rewrite later.

[BrairMoss]

Yeah, that dumb BrairMoss! Such a dumbhead! I mean, seriously. So dumb. Like a dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. (This is sarcasm.)

Anyway.

I don't know about other people, but I don't mind seeing rough drafts being posted here. You can always go back and edit/rewrite later.

:'( I am so hurt! I think I will request you tutor me in proper grammar so I can pass this course I am taking in university.