Snow Fall

[Pandemonia]

I haven't posted a poem on FM in quite a while, neither have a wrote one myself in wuite a while. Here's my most recent one. Hope you like it:

Snow Fall

I let my heart spill into your palms,

It was taciturnity at it’s worst,

These feelings melt like the falling snow around us,

It symbolizes you’re love is my first.

These pebbles and rocks,

Are covered by this majestic blanket of love we call snow,

Everything except you becomes distorted through the glass,

And I think there is more I need to behold.

All I can expect from you are the deepest smiles,

You know I’m watching and staying by your side,

I help you up while you fall down,

And help you perceive this fulfilled ride.

You’re my illegal drug,

And I love to break the law for you,

You’re always something to get high on,

And I love to risk my lungs for you.

A misplaced word lost in the snow,

Fallen apart and soaked by the flakes,

Blinded by so much bliss but aguish,

Love like this can’t be fake.

The sun rises and melts our love,

Then a cold moon appears and revives it,

My sadistic mind burns a ballistic black,

But your loves snow soothes and covers it.

-----------------------------------------------------

Whatcha think???

Edited October 7, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[Slayer]

i dont know how to rate poems anymore.i dont understand them either all I can do i write a bunch of broken lines

[Jammer]

overwritten and melodramatic

[Pandemonia]

Hm, maybe for your taste. I respect it though. I would rather prefer what you think on the way I used my words and stuff like that, not the topic. The topic shouldn't really matter, unless the wording doesn't fit it.

Thanks, anyway.

[-PHXN- New001]

I think this would have been better as a freeverse.

I reallylike your vocab and flow, but your rhyme scheme makes it feel forced

Great poem though, real heart-felt

[† Emotional Outlet]

Overwritten is a viable criticism. Actually so is melodramatic. o.O Neither of those things necessarily have anything to do with the topic. I'm not sure what he meant by overwritten, but I sense thesaurus usage with the vocabulary.

[Luneth]

Nice try but it needs inproving!