A Mysterious Package

[Sebastian]

A Modern Take on Pandora's Box

*KNOCK* *KNOCK*

Pandora opened the door to her one bedroom apartment. "Hello we have a package for a Ms. Pandora. Sign here please." Upon inspection she found he worked for a company called Zues Delivery, Delivering at the speed of the Gods.

"But sir," Pandora started, " I haven't ordered anything and I know of no one who would send me something."

"Im sorry ma'am but I cant leave until you sign and take the package."

"Fine! But I better not have to pay for this." Pandora signed and took the package. She then slammed the door in his face.

On the side of the package an envolepe held a letter it read:

Pandora,

Please do not open this package if you know whats good for you. I have sent it to you for

safe keeping. DO NOT OPEN IT!

Sincerly,

Zues

"What kind of prank is this! How am I supposed to believe its Zues!" Just then a thunder boomed seeming to say her name. "Well putting it that way... I guess it will stay unopened."

Days passed and Pandora's curiosity grew greater and greater. It was driving her completely mad. The little friends she had left never spoke to her anymore after seeing the condition she was in. Whenever the had visited before she had never stopped mumbling about the box.One day they came to visit again after months of giving her isolation.

"Welcome," Pandora said opening the door for her friends, Try not to trip on the stupid box on the way in." She was like this the whole afternoon always muttering about the box. Bringing it up no matter what they started to talk about.

"Pandora," one friend said, "How about you stop talking about that box. How's work been?"

"Haven't gone," Pandora replied. "How could I when there is this box sitting in my house with a mysterious item or whatnot in it."

"Well," another friend started, "Your clothes kind of look dirty when was the last time you showered and changed?"

"I don't know, maybe a few days after the box arived then I haven't been able to stop think about it."

After seeing how bad she had gotten they called a mental instutition to pick her up in an hour.

Pandora insisted that if she be taken away she must finnaly open the box not caring what happened seeing as her life had crashed in. She got out a knife and opened up the box. Inside was a chest. She popped open the chest and many nasty creatures came out including Greed,Envy, and Hatred. She popped down the lid in shock. All thoose nasty things entered the world because of her she began to sob.

What Pandora didn't realize is she left one thing in the bottom. Hope. So no matter how nasty things get we always can have hope it will be better.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[Rezin King]

very interesting take on the myth

[DuLake]

Not bad but you might want to slow down a little. You went through the most suspenseful part (before she opens the box) at breakneck speed. Try slowing down and showing us what happened instead of telling us. Really stretch that suspense out and this could be great.

[Sebastian]

Added some more dialogue.

[DuLake]

That's not quite what I meant. While dialogue can be good, all you've really done is tell us what's going on. There's an old saying in authordom, and it is probably the most important rule in all literature, "show, don't tell." It sounds simple but it's incredibly complex. I can tell you the story of Pandora's box in a sentence (Despite prior warning, a girl opens a box and releases all evil into the world.), but that really doesn't do much for me as an audience (it's kind of boring actually). Story is so much less about the "story" and more about the elements within the story. Story is more about the characters, places, and things (the interesting stuff), than about what happens. This seems weird, and it is, but when you're writing a story you need to know who and what you're writing about, not what you're writing (if that makes sense).

For example, instead of rushing to complete the story (Pandora opens the box), how about you talk about Pandora, where she comes from, what she looks like, how she talks, what she does, and why she wants to open the box. Telling us that Pandora wants to open the box is informative, but it does nothing to help me understand why she opens it, it doesn't show us why she does it. Pandora opening a box is a story, but it does nothing with the elements of the story.

Think about it this why, why did you eat (for example) frosted flakes this morning? Perhaps you ate them because you liked them, but why do you like them? Perhaps your taste buds are just lined up that way (boring), or maybe your dearly departed grandfather ate them with you as a child and they make you want to be a better man so you eat them as a reminder to be heroic. Maybe they were just better than the alternative: Big Bran, the most gag-tastic cereal known to mankind. Maybe you lined up a bunch of cereal, wrapped a blindfold around your eyes, and threw a dart at the row and ate whatever was hit. Do you see how much more interesting these details make the story of your breakfast? You eating frosted flakes isn't that interesting, at least not until we know why and how you came to that choice. Now imagine if the story were kind of interesting already (like the story of Pandora), but you added all these details of why she compulsively opens boxes. Wouldn't that be much more interesting? Don't stop there though, think about why Zeus even sent her the box, or why he would even make such a box? There is so much more to this story than her opening the box, and your story kind of skips the good parts.

It's like a news article, "Dog Bites Man" is a headline, but the article is about the who, what, when, where, why, and how. Everybody has a catchy idea, but a writer has to sit down and work out the who, what, when, where, why and how.

So, my suggestion for this story, rather than going back with a few more lines, is stop and think about who Pandora is, and why she opens the box. Think about where she lives and what that says about her. Think about what the box looks like. Start writing about them, adding detail on top of detail until you can see everything. Try writing some scenes that aren't in the story. A great way to get to know your characters is to take them out to dinner. Send Pandora and Zeus to her weird cousin's house and watch them for a bit. Does Zeus ask Pandora for the salt politely, or does he command her? Does Pandora mix her food together, or keep everything separate? Does her cousin stick their napkin into their shirt like a bib? And, in the name of all the gods at once, what conversation starts up between them (and it better not be about work)?

Honestly, this is a great story. It's been around for thousands of years for a reason. If you want to modernize it, and revitalize it, that's great and you picked a great story to do so, but the story is far less important than what you put in it.

I hope this gives you a better idea of what I meant and hopefully it gives you an idea how to add to your writing. I'm sure you've got what it takes, just take some time and feel it out next time. It's all about reading, thinking and writing until you get better. Good luck!