Life as it is

[† Shazi]

i wrote this the other day. it's kind of an insight into my mind, like a journal entry. enjoy

Life has it’s ups and downs. One day everything is fabulous and makes you smile, the next you’re on the verge of a break down and/or vomiting. But in the end it all seems to work itself out, perhaps not in the way you plan it too, and sometimes it ends up better than you could have hoped.

I should probably start with who I am. My name is Haley. I’m probably the most uncoordinated person when I’m on my feet, so much so I couldn’t pass pass the “walk in a strait line” test sober, and high heels are just begging to snap my ankles at every opportunity. Standing at a minuscule 5”2 70% of the population towers over me.

My life so far has been a pleasant one. Good family life, good school and friends and apart from a few mishaps, I consider myself an all round happy person.

The only problem I have right now is that I’m in love with not only my boyfriend Shane, but also my best friend Kyle.

As hard as I try, I just can’t seem to decide for sure. Talking to them both just makes it worse, because they both strive for my affection. Something i’ll gladly give.

Anway, this whole mess started when I was talking with them both online. I’d been having a pretty rough day, what with the the whole feelings for them both thing (at this point nothing had happened with either of them.) I was pushed to tell them both how I felt.

It was a few minuted before either of them responded and in that short space, I could have sworn my stomach tried to leap out my throat and my heart out my chest

the responses I got from them weren’t exactly comforting either. Kyle (my best friend) told me that “nothing has changed between us” which I stupidly took as rejection, and Shane told me that we’d “talk about it properly at lunch” the next day.

For those two days, I didn’t eat. In fact for a majority of it I was on the verge of vomiting and for a week afterwards I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I was petrified as what shane was going to say to me, I would hardly think strait as it was from lack of sleep that night. I don’t even remember what he said to me, I just remember the first hug I ever got from him and not wanting to ever let go.

I skipped lunch that day, and dinner later that evening. I also spent that night drinking and baking with Shane because he felt bad.

By the end of that week I was exhausted from sleep deprivation and lack of food. I survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night (if that) and several cups of coffee a day, which was the only thing I could stomach.

Thankfully I got away for the weekend, which helped my think a little clearer and pull my thoughts back into place. Knowing that I wouldn’t have to see either Shane or Kyle at any stage while I was gone calmed my nerves and allowed me to start eating and sleeping again.

Talking with Shane online for that weekend helped a lot too, the things we discussed put me into a different thought pattern than the one that was causing me to slip into depression.

It wasn’t until I came back from my little break that Kyle informed me that when he said “nothing had changed between us” he meant my feelings were returned.

My immediate thoughts were that I’d chosen Shane, next came how bleeding obvious kyle had made his feelings to me and then how stupidly blind I was not to see them when they were right in front of me the whole time.

Thus started the confliction in my head between Shane and Kyle.

Kyle tells me that he will always be there for me, and should I ever change my mind, there is always a second chance with him. No matter how much I tell him I don’t feel the same way, because he's my best friend, in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think that deep down I do, even if my feelings for Shane currently come first.

Shane is the one I chose. He's then one I want. I love him to pieces and I don’t even want to let him go. But I might have to, the thought of it breaks my heart because Shane is so sweet, and gentle. He tries so hard not to hurt me, upset me or put me in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. He thinks of my feelings well before his own and I fell like I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have him. I just prey that nothing, including myself takes him away.

~Haley

Edited October 16, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[Rezin King]

pretty good