Sand (working progress) all thoughts welcome

[Kilometrico]

this is a story I'm currently writing for my english class and its also the first time ive written in a long time so all views are welcome.

He walks down a cold dark ally way to a door red and worn, water before the steps reflects the cloudy moon lit sky. He enters through the door to become just another figure in the crowd of people. After making his way to an opening he discovers a table with three men, one of them looks up as if to invite him but there is a moment’s hesitation as the lights flicker from a distant barrage of bombs.

Instead the man stands from his chair and makes his way towards Kamal, in one hand he carries a small cardboard box.

“Be careful, its fragile” the man says as he hands the box to Kamal.

“Thank you sir” Kamal says upon receiving the box.

As Kamal begins to leave the sounds of gun fire become louder as he reaches the door.

Outside he begins to walk towards his home in the darkly lit city, walking faster each turn as he becomes more and more scared, as the gunfire becomes louder and the clouds become darker.

In no time he begins to run out of panic as the screams of people become so loud and the gunfire so fierce it shakes the ground.

“Am I to late?” under breath and gasping for air he sighs.

The thought that his only friend may be dead stops him.

“Is this my fault?” faintly he asks as he slowly begins to move again.

He makes his way into the courtyard were he had spent so many days playing hide and seek with the many children that once lived there, including his friend who he now lived with after his parents were killed when two US helicopters attacked two cars in an operation against Al-Qaeda.

He slowly walks towards the flat that he had spent the past three years of his life in, Like a stranger he enters unfamiliar ground.

“Tahir” Kamal calls but the sound is too silent for life other than his.

He enters a Tahir’s room and becomes instantly distant, lifeless, blood surrounds the room.

He remembers the day he first met Tahir, it was warm and Kamal’s parents had just moved into the second story above Tahir’s flat. Kamal was on the roof looking at the clouds, like mountains they were white as snow but also contained the most faint traces of grey around the edges, when Tahir appeared.

“Hello friend” greeted Tahir.

Kamal was in shock not only had he been interrupted but for the first time after moving from his hometown Dukan when he was eight someone had called him friend.

“Hi, I'm Kamal” sitting up Kamal returns the greeting.

“I’m Tahir, I live in the flat below you” moving towards Kamal.

Tahir sits next to Kamal and pulls out a small bag full of sand.

“Whats that?” Kamal asks.

“Its sand from where I used to come from, my Dad gave it to me the day i left and said no matter where I am I’ll always have something to remember where I'm from.”

Stunned Kamal thinks of the sand that surrounded the lake where he lived.

“You lived near lake As Sulaymaniyah didn't you?” Kamal asks.

“How did you know that?” with the most expression Tahir had expressed that evening he asked

“I used to live there” Kamal replies.

The memory fades away and the true extent of the gunfire is revealed.

There Tahir lay in pool of stagnant blood, his faced covered by one hand.

The other lay gently next to a mountain of blood stained sand.

The world seems to stop as Kamal drops the box he had been holding.

It begins to rain, the rain drops fall almost as slowly as the box had, Kamal begins to leave the room where he had lost the only person in the world that mattered to him.

As the moon begins to shine through it reveals what had been in the cardboard box, a jar not only blue and laced with gold but which Kamal had intended to give to Tahir to keep the sand he had dearly treasured.

Edited October 16, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[† Talena Mae]

ACK the spacing, oh have mercy on me!!!

^.^ It is a little hard to read with no spacing in it, and I should let you know, you don't have to start the line off with words... I do it myself too as to a lot of other people.

Some parts are...awkward A trick I was told is "Read aloud to yourself, if it sounds awkward to you it will to others"

And more description!!! I like the story but loads of description takes me to the time and place!

I wanna read more! ^.^