Lonely are those who believe they have nothing,Sad are those that have lost everything. (Pt.1)

[AxelVIII]

Kind of a new style from my normal one.

 

"The Man arrives home with alchohol on his breath,

 

The Boy knows what is going to happen next.

 

The Boy runs into his room, dives under his covers, and tries to shield his ears from something he hears often, but can not stop.

 

The Man yells at the Woman,

The Woman yells back.

 

*SHATTER* goes one of the Mans bottles.

 

*CRASH* the Boy feels the ever familiar Fear

 

 

She stares and the shell of her Mother,

 

Stares at what her Mother has become.

 

The Mother, thinking that it is actually helper her, takes more of her drugs.

 

She looks at her Daughter, who is crying and begging her to straighten up, and become the Mother she remembers.

 

The Daughter walks away, at the end of her rope."

Edited March 2, 2014 by AxelVIII

[† RazorDan]

Powerful stuff, well done man

[Dark_Angel13]

Very deep and I like it, it's sad but good

[DuLake]

I read your poem the other day but didn't comment (not sure why I didn't even hit like, I apologize for my poor feedback skills), and yet I thought of it today as I was posting a Raymond Carver poem in the Pot-luck topic. Have you heard of him? You might enjoy his dark, straightforward style and a ton of his stuff is on PoemHunter for free. Li-Young Lee might also be of interest to you.

 

Anyway, I liked your poem. I wound encourage you to pay a little bit more attention to your structure (I guess, I'm not the best with poetical terminology), because where some of the lines stretch a bit it was difficult for me to hold on to the rhythm of the piece. I really like the back and forth "man yells, woman yells back" so of thing you had going on. You have the poet's spirit, I can't wait to see what it blossoms in to!

[AxelVIII]

Thanks for the compliments Dark and Dan, Made me feel a little better about this piece. DuLake, I'm sorry, but I don't know weather I should take your post as a compliment, or insult. Saying that you have trouble sticking to the rhythm of a freewrite that has no true structure to begin with confuses me. Kinda makes it sound a little inadequate imho. But that's just me, I'm still learning.

[† Emotional Outlet]

Rhythm and structure aren't necessarily one and the same.

 

You have structure like rhyme scheme and poetic foot, for sure. Rhythm is more about the music of the poem, the way the words flow into each other. You don't need to follow a specific poetic metre to have rhythm.

 

That's just my interpretation, though, I don't know if that's necessarily what DuLake was going for. I also only took one year of poetry in high school.

[AxelVIII]

Yeah, that might be my bad. And atleast you've taken 1 more year of Poetry than I have.

[DuLake]

Thanks for the compliments Dark and Dan, Made me feel a little better about this piece. DuLake, I'm sorry, but I don't know weather I should take your post as a compliment, or insult. Saying that you have trouble sticking to the rhythm of a freewrite that has no true structure to begin with confuses me. Kinda makes it sound a little inadequate imho. But that's just me, I'm still learning.

 

Oh hey, no insult meant man. I was just saying that it's helpful for the reader if you try to keep lines to the same length. Example:

 

 

"The Man arrives home with alchohol on his breath,

The Boy knows what is going to happen next.

The Boy runs into his room, dives under his covers,

and tries to shield his ears from something he hears

often, but can not stop.

 

 

Instead of:

 

 

"The Man arrives home with alchohol on his breath,

 

The Boy knows what is going to happen next.

 

The Boy runs into his room, dives under his covers, and tries to shield his ears from something he hears often, but can not stop.

 

There's no actually change to the piece, it's just a lot easier for the reader. Maybe it's just me, but on that last line, the change in pace through me. That's (part of) why most poems, even free-verse, will stick to similar length lines in succession.

 

 

And I apologize if I made a comment where I wasn't supposed to. I thought, by posting this on the forum, you wanted some constructive ideas. Whenever I give somebody my work, I always pray for a comment that might make it better (or maybe one that doesn't, but at least I can say I thought about it). With my work, I know that it's never going to be done -- writing is re-writing, there will always be one more draft it can go through and one more correction I can make. If there's any advice I can give to another writer, it's to beg for criticism. So I am sorry if I made an assumption in offering you a suggestion, but I encourage you to take it in the spirit it was meant. If I didn't think you were had talent I wouldn't have taken the time to comment.

Edited April 30, 2013 by DuLake