Need some serious re: Family Issues

[RikuoAmero]

Okay people, *takes a deep breath*, I need some advice. I'll start by giving what background I think is relevant.

I'm the only son and second child of both my parents. My parents both had one child from previous relationships. Here's how the siblings go

Samantha - Same father, different mother, oldest sibling (haven't seen her in about 15 years)

Stacey - Different father, same mother, second oldest sibling

Me, 22 going on 23

Simone - Same parents, 17 years old

Mikayla - Same parents, will be 10 this coming Friday

Angel - Different father, same mother (baby sister, dunno how old she is, between 1 and 2 years old is my best estimate, closer to one I think)

I grew up with my parents (they got married when I was 5). To put it mildly, my child-hood was an absolute hell. My mother more or less ignored me, (except when she started screaming and shouting abuse at me, which was often) while my father treated me like I was god's gift to him. There were constant arguments between my parents, and given how they treated me, you can guess where my sympathies lay.

Things came to a head when I was in my last days of first year in secondary school (high school to Americans). My mother collected me from school and told me that she had gotten a protection order against my father (the way I understand it is, its an order form a judge, where if he violates it, he's barred from the home). It wasn't until several years later that I heard that my older sister, Stacey, had accused him of sexual abuse when she was younger. However, I was loyal to my father through thick and thin at first. Eventually, he was barred from the home, but so as not to traumatise us kids any more than we already had, supervised visits at a neutral location were arranged once a week. However, I violated that several times, in meeting with him outside the designated times. Due to a lack of evidence (the only hard evidence was that Stacey wasn't a virgin: this wasn't considered clear evidence especially by me because she was the bad egg in the family, drink, drugs, promiscuity, bulllying she did it all) my father was never formally charged. I denied it to myself at the time, but it was clear to the authorities that he was an alcoholic, which was why he was barred.

Eventually, I think it was a few months after finishing school and starting work, that my younger sister Simone also revealed that our father had done the same thing. It was then I made a choice: the main reason I had never believed Stacey was that, apart from a lack of evidence, she had tormented me while growing up. Simone though, was my little sister, and I stood by her. I decided to believe her. After reaching adulthood, I had maintained semi-regular contact with my father, but I eventually stopped this after Simone.

After years of single-hood, my mother eventually began dating again, mostly men she contacted on internet dating sites. Several she brought home to meet us. There were two I'll tell you about.

The first was a Dutchman who said he'd served in Iraq/Afghanistan. He actually lived with us for several months. However, one night, he turned violent, and was kicked out of the house.

The second, moved in as well. However, I never once said a word to him. I more or less secluded myself in my room or stayed over at friends. My mother sat down with me and had a short conversation about why I didn't talk to the boyfriend. In the end, it was more like an order to start talking, rather than a heart-to-heart.

Things finally came to a head in the second week of July 2009. I had two weeks off work, and the first week went by. On the Friday, my mother went on a camping trip with the boyfriend I mentioned and took my youngest sister with her. returning on Sunday. On that Friday, without telling her, I invited my best friend over to stay the night (I've stayed at his hundreds of times). I thought it'd be cool, since my family had known him for years. We slept in my room, I took the bed, while my younger sister Simone went into my mother's room and took a futon (that I didn't even know about) that my friend could use.

On the Sunday, my mother returned, and all hell broke loose. She accused me of violating her privacy and wanted me to apologise to Simone. I said no, given that I believed that I hadn't done anything. Eventually, she said she wanted me out of the house. I was barely allowed time to pack a sack of clothes and then out the door. My sister Simone was also shouting for me to leave, which honestly confused me, given how close we were. I remember looking her in the eye, and saying clearly to her "I am never coming back here".

I stayed with my friend the first few days. The last few days, I was forced to stay with my father (my friend wasn't able to clear it with his own father for those last few days and the choice was either the street or my father. I chose the evil I knew). I immediately started looking for a place to stay and within a couple of days, had arranged to rent a room.

A week later, I managed to arrange with my mother to collect my stuff. I got a lift off of my new landlord (great guy) but I realised that I was to pack as much of my stuff alone. I was on the third floor of the house and not in the best of shape. Fortunately, my room wasn't touched. Not one person lifted a finger to help me. I remember my bad egg of a sister, Stacey, was kicked out of the house on more than one occasion. At least, my mother packed her bags for her.

About a year after this, I bumped into my sister Simone in the street. She told me of a few things. She too had been kicked out, at age sixteen (just before Christmas, although why and what the circumstances where I don't know). She said that our mother didn't let her even take a spare change of clothes. She was now living with my older sister Stacey. Two things in particular interested me, to say the least: one was that my mother had given birth to a daughter (she was 40 at the time), and that the boy-friend was the father. Apparently, the boy-friend had other children from previous relationships (I don't know how many) and they were allowed move in. Basically, to any outsider, it looked like she had gotten rid of her own kids and replaced them.

Now we come to the point of this post. This coming Friday, my younger sister will be turning 10. Since I left, I have not seen her once or left a message of any kind. Yes, I basically abandoned her. Unlike Simone (who shouted for me to leave as well) Mikayla is completely blameless in the matter. I want to get in contact with her again. I am of course terrified that she doesn't want anything to do with me. Any ideas or suggestions? I apologize for the long wall of text, but you just had to know exactly where I'm coming from with all this.

[lemmingllama]

Ok, first off take a deep breath. When you feel calm, you need to call/visit. Dont do it impersonally(text, email) because it wont happen. Dont be afraid of rejection since you only have to gain out of this and wont lose anything if she says no. Now talk to her and see if she will meet you or want to go somewhere where it is a good place to talk. Personally I like quiet cafes for this kind of thing. Then you explain what happened and how you feel and listen to what she has to say. If all goes well, then congradulations you are now in good standing with your sibling again. Basically, though this may sound a little harsh, man up and go do it.

[Esalena]

Well was going to post about how you should give it a shot since there's no real harm in trying but lemmingllama makes a great point. No harm in trying just breath and think of all the doors it could open if she's willing to meet with you and stay in touch. Make a goal and set a date, it'll seem more real that way. Always a good idea to plan things out.

[Libitinarius]

If I were you I would try and sit down with your mother (even though you might not be on the best of terms) and tell her you miss your sister. If you setup a meet with just your sister--if I understand correctly she's still living with your mom? Then your mom might think your trying to bad mouth her or create dissension in her household. I also wouldn't discuss your mom or dad around her, might put your sister in a tight spot, as your mom will ask questions about her visit. Basically if you want to see her, see how your mom reacts first, and then proceed to having a relationship that doesn't coincide with your mom's business.

[† Talena Mae]

LL does have a point, but I will say this: expect the worst, if your mother has spoken to her at all about you I dont think it will be any good, and she will have been poisioned against you. Let her know that you would like to see her, even if you have to wait for her out side her school. but if you expect the worst, then it wont hit you so hard, and you never know, she could turn around and say "yes" or whatever to meeting up her her birthday, but dont build your hopes up kk?

I'm rooting for you!

[RikuoAmero]

Okay guys, thanks for the support. I've been to see a social worker today, the same family support group that my family dealt with after my father was kicked out of the house. I had a brief chat, and the social worker suggested that she act as the ice-breaker, that I write a letter, give it to her and that she would contact my mother. I'll be handing it to her tomorrow. Any ideas as to what I should include in the letter? I know pretty much the tone and what I want to say, but just in case I don't think of something crucial, I'd like it if Kametsu could think of something. Thanks!

[Libitinarius]

Well, could probably give you better advice if I actually saw what you wrote, but I am sure it's a bit personal for a forum setting. I think as long as you don't point the finger blaming your mom for anything (basically stay humble and don't have any resentful undertones). I would simply apologize for that night you had your friend over without her permission, and for whatever happened in the past your sorry, but you would like a chance to be apart of your sister's life.

Edit: I also agree with Mae, since I don't actually know what type of person your mom is. All you can do is give it your best shot, maybe make a copy of the letter to show to your sister later in case your mother rejects your proposal?

[seirachan]

If it were me I wouldn't touch this. Id just leave the sister alone. One day your mother is gonna kick her out too and she will probably scream at you for going anywhere near your little sister in the mean time by the looks of it. Your mother boils my blood. She could have even lied to your sister saying you and everyone else is bad like my father did and still does. Your sisters, all of them have a VERY bad influence and you can blame your mother for your sis yelling at you to leave. Bitch should stop popping out kids. If you do get into contact with your sister expect it all to go wrong(sorry that's just the way I do things cause I don't like getting hurt and betrayed so I avoid it like the plague). Your mother may even put a restraining order on you for going near her. There's no telling if your father even touched your sisters she could even pull that trump card and say your molesting her and I really don't trust the justice system what so ever. She could get her daughter to lie and say you were doing it. Be prepared cause it may all turn out like hell. I'm just saying these things out of worry. If you really do love your little sis I'm not gonna tell you no. I don't have a single person in my family I love. I was lucky my mother didn't go dating but she did betray me taking the side of her horrible friend and stating that in front of police.

If you do go see her, Good Luck

I didn't see that you went forward but I'm really not good at writing letters. At least you have an Ice-Breaker that's much easier.

[RikuoAmero]

Well, could probably give you better advice if I actually saw what you wrote, but I am sure it's a bit personal for a forum setting. I think as long as you don't point the finger blaming your mom for anything (basically stay humble and don't have any resentful undertones). I would simply apologize for that night you had your friend over without her permission, and for whatever happened in the past your sorry, but you would like a chance to be apart of your sister's life.

Well given that I basically told my complete life story up above...it would seem a bit strange for me to then think "No...can't show this letter, its too personal..."

Anyhoo, thanks. I can't show the letter in any event simply because I haven't written it yet. I just can't quite finish it. I will admit, it will be difficult not to have any resentful undertones, if not downright impossible. The way I picture the letter, if I keep out the resentfulness, it'd be a pretty short letter

@Seirachan - Geez, I wonder just what the hell happened to you to have this sort of outlook. I'm not criticising you, I actually know exactly how you feel, given that I've lived it for the past two and a half years. If you read the start of my OP, you'll see I mention a half sister Samantha and that I haven't seen her in 15 or so years. I don't want to have that happen to me and Mikayla. I have no idea where Samantha is and she most likely doesn't have any idea that Mikayla even exists. I do not want to abandon Mikayla any more than I already have. Plus, I'd love it if the b*tch did start throwing around accusations. Once I realised what exactly my father was being accused of all those years ago, I brushed up on my sexual criminal law. That, and I'd make sure that, in the event I'm allowed take Mikayla out for some fun, that it would happen in public places with plenty of eye-witnesses (and hopefully cameras).

My mother wouldn't be able to get a restraining order in any event. She'd have to have some definite proof of abuse on my part (my father was an alcoholic, so that's how he got his).

[Libitinarius]

Well, in that case, if you want to post the letter on here after you actually write it, I would be willing to give you my honest opinion. Also scroll up to my edit about making a copy of this letter. A wise man once told me to "keep all your shit in one sock" meaning, keep all your evidence together, in case your sister comes to you later wondering where the heck you've been. You will have proof that you made attempts to be in her life, which should help clear your conscience a bit.

[RikuoAmero]

Well, in that case, if you want to post the letter on here after you actually write it, I would be willing to give you my honest opinion. Also scroll up to my edit about making a copy of this letter. A wise man once told me to "keep all your shit in one sock" meaning, keep all your evidence together, in case your sister comes to you later wondering where the heck you've been. You will have proof that you made attempts to be in her life, which should help clear your conscience a bit.

That's the thing though...I haven't. Not before now. This is the first time since I was kicked out that I've even made an active attempt to contact her. Besides, I don't care anymore about clearing my conscience. As far as I'm concerned, I'm gonna do right by her and try and be in her life. I went through 20 years of hell with that bitch of a mother, so I'll try and live up to the fact that I'm her big brother.

[Libitinarius]

I think you shouldn't beat yourself up too much, because you were born into this cestpool as well, it's not your fault for the mistakes your parents made. What matters is that you're trying now. What I mean is don't be surprised if she doesn't allow you to see your sister (worst case scenario). And at least if this does come to pass, you will be able to have a relationship later with your sister when she's old enough to decide for herself (having letters proving you cared enough to reach out will help your case later). Best case scenario, your mom agrees (I hope she does). You sound like a good guy who cares about his family, I admire what you're trying to do.

[RikuoAmero]

Here's what I've written so far

Dear (Mother),

It’s me, (My name). I know, it’s jarring to say the least hearing from me after all this time. I’ve been wanting to do this for the longest time, but haven’t done anything about it until now.

I apologize for what I did that weekend in June 09. I admit I was wrong to have invited my best friend to stay the night without asking you.

I’ll get to the point. I would very much like to get in contact with Mikayla again. She is my little sister and to be honest, I haven’t been a good big brother to her. I want to salvage what relationship I once had. If I may, I suggest meeting up somewhere, Mikayla and I (and yourself, if you want to), perhaps at a café. I’ll be off work next Sunday.

I'm kinda stuck on what to write next. Like I said before, leaving out the unpleasentness has left this letter pretty short

[Libitinarius]

Short and sweet. I think it's good man, she will be more apt to hear you because you left out the criticism. I would leave it as is and wait for her response. Does she have your phone number or address? Might want to give her a way to contact you back aside from mail. Keep us updated as to what happens next, I'll be crossing my fingers bro.

[RikuoAmero]

Well I wrote and printed off the letter and handed it in to the social worker to give to my mother. I'll be expecting a reply within the next day or two. The best I can hope for is that I meet up with my sister at some café this coming Sunday, most likely with the mother there. Thanks guys for all the support! I'll keep you guys posted as to what's going on.

[RikuoAmero]

Well, its been over two weeks...no reply from the mother at all. It is odd, I actually expected her to contact me back in a hostile manner, not completely ignore me.

[Libitinarius]

I expected her to at least say no, you would think the holidays would tug on her hearts strings. I don't know if what you told me was all there was to your argument with her, but if having a friend over is her only basis for shutting you out of her life... that's pretty shitty. =/ Hope she contacts you soon

[RikuoAmero]

I expected her to at least say no, you would think the holidays would tug on her hearts strings. I don't know if what you told me was all there was to your argument with her, but if having a friend over is her only basis for shutting you out of her life... that's pretty shitty. =/ Hope she contacts you soon

Well that was what happened. I was on two weeks break from work, and she went on a camping trip with the current boyfriend and my youngest sister on the Friday. Then, it was just myself and my younger sister Simone in the house. Without telling the mother, I invited my best friend over to stay the night. I thought it would have been all right, even without prior notice, because the family had known him for years, he and I are the two gentlest souls you can imagine, plus, its not like I was inviting a girlfriend over for some sex. It was completely an innocent, invite friend to sleep over thing. It was Simone who told me of the futon that my friend used, her who went in to the mother's room and took it out.

The mother came back on the Sunday and she completely over-reacted. She accused me of violating her privacy (even after me pointing out I never went into her room) and demanded I apologize to Simone. Given that I hadn't done anything wrong to Simone, I refused. At the time, I thought, even if by some weird stretch I actually was in the wrong, it was minor and nothing truly bad would happen. But she over-reacted, threw me out then and there and pretty much just wrote me out of existence. Not once in the two and a half years has she bothered to get in contact.

Just to cement her evil nature, I remember about eight months after-ward, I was in work and ran into a friend of hers who asked me how I was doing, was I coping etc. The friend then mentioned something that completely blew my mind: the mother had asked after me, but only to try and get some "back-rent" off of me (I had been paying €130/$169 a week in rent, which didn't include food). The tortured reasoning was that my mother was a renting tenant from Dublin City Council (true) and that they take rent off her for everyone over 18 in the house (not entirely sure about this). Given that I had been kicked out, the Council didn't have official documentation stating that I was no longer living there and were still charging her rent. However all of that has to be taken with a grain of salt, because not once did she ever show me documentation from the Council saying "We charge you X for Y people in your house".

[RikuoAmero]

Tis been a while since I was around these parts. I was wondering what to post, so I thought I'd reply to this old thread with some good news.

I'm back in contact with the sisters! If you want to know the backstory, just read the OP. I'm in regular contact with the two youngest kid sisters, and we're happy as pie. Contact was made just before last Xmas, with the second youngest Kayla sending me a letter. To tell the truth, it scared me to death, but I replied and things have gone swimmingly since then.

So anyone who has gone through something like me - get in contact with your family. Don't do what I did, and be alone for four years. It seriously messed me up, and I'm still in the process of sorting myself out psychologically.