Empty Wall

[Guest Ochu]

My friend's work, just need some ideas on the style and meaning of it, I have my own opinion's but he wants some varied feedback. Anyways, be as honest as you like.

Empty Wall:

i'm stuck in a cage,

i'm surrounded by fire,

i have to pant aimlessly to survive,

or else i will be forgotten by the masses.

i try to leave my familiar surroundings,

i try to explore new lands,

i am a person of community and love,

which is trampled by the arrogance of those closest to my heart.

i am always here for you,

i will always do my best for you,

you and i, i and you, never we for you and i are separate,

but forever i hope we will be breathing the same air.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[Zavier]

The way I read it made it sound like a song. I was fluently going through it, until the 'i have to pant aimlessly to survive'. It has potential to be a good line, but it just doesn't fit right.

The line before the last really confused me. I had to reread it a few times to actually get what it was saying. It seems like a good idea, but for another poem.

i have to pant aimlessly to survive,

or else i will be forgotten by the masses.

Here's just something I quickly thought up. It's not all that good, but I hadn't concentrated too much on it:

I stare aimlessly at the flames,

Slowly being devoured by the masses.

[Guest Sasy's Girl]

I thought the ending was really sweet. I always find it that making poem's deal with love or affection, being the most difficult. I can feel that feeling of being happy in love, yet when I go to write it down I get nothing.

[Guest Ochu]

The way I read it made it sound like a song. I was fluently going through it, until the 'i have to pant aimlessly to survive'. It has potential to be a good line, but it just doesn't fit right.

I think he wanted that. Just telling him some of the feedback you guys have suggested and he said that he wanted that sharp contrast in that stanza to reflect on his hardship.

Also, he didn't want to put too much concentration on the flames aspect, because that wasn't the main point and it didn't connotate to anything he was suggesting. He's rather stubborn like that >_O

I thought the ending was really sweet. I always find it that making poem's deal with love or affection, being the most difficult. I can feel that feeling of being happy in love, yet when I go to write it down I get nothing.

Yeah, I know what he is talking about here, he didn't want the ending to be too 'queer' but got that @_@

[Guest Sasy's Girl]

Lawl, awwwww. How can you make a poem queer? Poetry is something from the heart. Expressing the voice of your feelings couldn't possibly go wrong. ^^;

[Luneth]

Good Poem but its a bit Queer! lol! like you jking jking!