Embarrassing Excerpts

[† Emotional Outlet]

I was looking through some of my old writing from when I was younger to see if I could salvage some of the storylines and characters. While I was in the neighbourhood of my old crap, I took a gander at my old fan fiction.

It. Is. Horrible. Everything about it is horrible.

One piece of Golden Sun fan fiction was written entirely in Comic Sans. Here's a few nuggets of my literary genius at twelve. My ability to formulate sentences that weren't grammatical nightmares had not yet developed, so there's a few awesome Engrish moments.

The ability to see the future was a power she owned, and the ability to read minds and control the elements; earth, wind, water, and fire. She was about nine when she found about these powers, now being a 16-year-old, she had mastered these unusual powers. If she could find about how this happened, she wouldn’t feel like such an outcast, although she is the most popular girl in school.

Quintessential Mary Sue. She also had blue and purple streaks in her hair! And she made all the male characters fall in love with her except for one, because he was obviously gay for another male character.

... wearing a baby blue tank top and jean shorts, which were obviously short shorts. Her blue hair in a pony, which swung viciously as she walked.

All the women apparently have their hair inside of horses. This is very tragic and I hope PETA doesn't dump buckets of red paint on me.

That thing costs a fortune! That and I stole it from Mother. When she was dead. And in her grave. My God, I’m a grave robber. Oh well.

These are the inner thoughts of my Mary Sue. She is obviously a model of morality and integrity to everyone everywhere.

Aren’t the guy Mia said was gay?

I don't know what I was trying to say here, but I'm sure it was offensive to everyone involved.

======

Please share your horrible writing with the forum so we can have lols together.

[lemmingllama]

I dont see what you are talking about, this is quality writing. After all, that characters hair is in a pony that swings viciously! It is exactly as it says! Still, these made me laugh

I would share my interesting writings, but sadly I dont have any with me right now.

[† Emotional Outlet]

So vicious! It is sassy. With hair in its butt, I guess. That particular Golden Sun fic was pretty silly. Lot of characters acting completely out of character for no reason other than I needed a couple people to take the fall for my Mary Sue.

Here are some more gems from my fan fiction days. Apparently I had a thing for writing with HUGE fonts, because everything is in size 13-16 for some reason. These come from a "rant" I wrote in the middle of the night (apparently) with regards to writing a song fic.

Person gets dumped, and feels pissy since they thought that what they had was so real, so… (Sigh) I don’t know, just real.

You don't even understand how REAL it was, okay?

Ramza is best for the leading on thing since he’s, oh I don’t know. He said it in the game that he was glad to see Delita again. And, we were playing the game in such a way that we would always somehow be concentrated on Ramza, no matter what. The song works best for him since it’s about getting led on, being left to suffer, so yeah, this plays well with Ramza, but only because the game concentrated on Ramza (a majority of the time anyway).

This is my attempt at justifying why Ramza and Delita should totally be gay for each other. The inner workings of a fan girl. Behold! There's a few pages of this nonsense as I "deconstruct" two songs and try to apply it to a romance between the two that's so obvious. I mean, duh, how can you not see it? (It is awful.)

Anything that I type at 341 in the morning is bound to be insane, obtuse, and utterly idiotic, but I’m so detail-oriented, I’ll pick apart anything.

The military couldn't even make me detail-oriented, so I'm not sure why I insist here that I actually am. Maybe I should have spent more time sleeping instead of talking to myself. However, it is difficult to disagree with the first part of that statement there. It is all stupid! How insightful, haha. It goes on for a while longer as I assert my late-night mumbling is indicative of insomnia and how I can see air molecules vibrating or something.

I will note the way I write the time hasn't changed much since I was a teenager. No colons for you!

[† Shazi]

oh man, i should post the one i found in mine! hahaha will get onto that when i jump on my laptop later XD

[† Emotional Outlet]

Some original fiction from when I was thirteen. I took my Mary Sue from my fan fiction and started using her in slightly less embarrassing--

“Dad never liked me. I don’t know why he even wanted me in the first place. That is such a fucking lie, ‘beloved daughter and family cat’. Beloved my ass. They just said in the same fucking article that the bastard doesn't give a damn about me. Then they're gonna tell us he wants his kid back. What complete, utter bullshit,” she scoffed, and flipped her hair.

Er, guess not. I am imagining the scene right now. She is sixteen years old with infinite powers and ran away from home. No one ever questions what she does and no one cares. She just runs around, wreaking havoc without consequence unless it's necessary for drama.

“You need to stop smoking. You can get cancer and die. And heaven knows what’ll happen to me then. I'll probably end up back at my dad's place, getting the hell beat out me or get caught by the police, and THEN get the hell beat out of me.”

The only one who keeps her from getting beat up by everyone ever is her chain smoking, gang member of a boyfriend who also has the ability to control the weather! Everyone is magical except for mean people.

“You two are always fighting about Kumi’s habit. My God, all you ever do is bitch, bitch, bitch. Then you end up kissing and making out. You humans are so strange.” She flipped her shoulder length raven-black hair and sat down at the table. The two older teens looked at her and laughed.

Some more hair flipping from the shape-shifting teenager who also has infinite magical powers. She is also immortal.

“Well. We could catch a flick, and then go out to dinner.” Felicia squealed.

[...]

“What name are you going by tonight?”

“Terri. And if anyone asks, I’m her sister.” Felicia smirked.

“Ok, sure. Come on, ‘sis’,” she joked, laughing inside about Kuku being her sister. Kumi opened the door after slipping on his jacket. He offered Kuku her jacket, but she refused.

“Ok, then. Let’s go. Let’s just hope that no one will recognize us.”

And apparently they think just using fake names is enough to keep them from being noticed, even though the story starts off with a (poorly-written) news article with a picture of the three of them--to include a picture of the shape-shifter in mid-shift. Somehow I feel like they didn't think this through very well.

Fuckin’ A! That was a stupid thing I did back there! Saying Kumi’s name when I know those freaks in this town are looking for us… Agh, sometimes I wonder where I would be if I didn’t know how to get out of tight situations and shit…

"And shit" indeed. The eloquence is breathtaking.

A (normal) woman then gets frozen into a solid block of ice and somehow survives. And then she makes out with the immortal shape-shifter who is somehow fifteen, and this is supposed to be okay. I then insert myself into the story (because that always turns out so well), which eventually culminates into my character getting kidnapped and leaving behind a note.

"'Sorry that we got interrupted. I’ll drop in on you guys when the time is right.' Not exactly the best note writer. But, she did get her point across." Kumi rolled his eyes, and took the paper back.

Not exactly the best note writer. Fixed.

[† Shazi]

this will be fun, from the days of my kingdom hearts fanfic writing days

okay, i had this idea to write 2 one shot fanfics every week for 6 months before christmas, here is some of the endings to them XD

Cloud noticed Leon closing his eyes and took his chance, he moved closer to the man and held the mistletoe he'd scored earlier and held it above their head.

"Mistletoe" he whispered in Leon's ear and delicately kissed him. He left quickly before Leon could get a chance to react, because he knew Leon would not have like to be kissed by a man under the mistletoe.

coz apparently that is something cloud would totally do.... WHY WAS I SO MESSED UP BACK THEN XD

"How does it operate?" Fuu asked. Do people pay and Olette kisses them or was there some sough of Christmas twist to it?

"The person pays and I hold up the mistletoe" she replied. Fuu had half a mind to ask her to demonstrate but she knew that plan was doomed to failure. "Like this," Olette held the mistletoe over their heads smiling happily; she then gently kissed Fuu on the lips. This caused a flurry of attention from everyone and Fuu wasn't sure if it was a sales stunt of if Olette did it because she wanted to really kiss Fuu under the mistletoe.

Yes, everyone in the kingdom hearts universe is either really gay or a total lesbian

He was dancing with the girl he believed to be Selphie for several minutes before she suddenly stopped and kissed him very roughly. He paused and looked at her and she was giggling and pointing upwards, he looked up and after a few seconds of straining his focus he saw the mistletoe above their heads.

He realized then that he'd been kissed drunkenly by a girl who was quite possibly Selphie, but he couldn't be too sure, under the mistletoe.

the first straight kiss! between (maybe?) selphie and tidus lol. tidus is too drunk to give a rats ass anyway XD

"Did you?" Riku asked but was cut off

"I did" Sora nodded "and we're not getting out of it either" he grumbled. Riku scanned the room to see if anyone was looking. He leaned forward and kissed his best friend.

"We agree that that never happened?" Riku asked after he leaned away very quickly.

"Never" Sora nodded in agreement.

Needless to say neither one of them was going to remember that little kiss under the mistletoe

honestly, if no on had noticed, WHY WOULD YOU KISS ANYWAY wtf....

"Damn it, how do you do that?" Xaldin slammed his remaining cards down on the table. Luxord had one again, giving him the authority over Xaldin for one order only.

"It's my secret, Love," Luxord gave Xaldin a sly grin. Xaldin was dreading whatever Luxord was going to order him to do. He knew it was going to be awful, he knew it would be embarrassing and he knew…

Jingle bells! Jingle bells!

..It.

okay this is something i will have to explain. Roxas and Axel startle Vexen which caused a rediculously long spiral staircase to freeze into a spiral ramp. they bobsled down it singing jingle bells and this is the perspective of Luxord and Xaldin who are playing go fish (i think)

brilliant work really XD

[† Emotional Outlet]

honestly, if no on had noticed, WHY WOULD YOU KISS ANYWAY wtf....

I think this is yet another great example of how fan girls tend not to think things through very well. Logically they would not have kissed, but a fan girl subsists entirely on out-of-character homosexuality!

Java was reading this thread and was like, "You guys are like English geniuses now, but before you were like... 'der-her-herp-bluh-bluh-fuh'", complete with wild arm movements and haphazardly mimed typing.

[† Shazi]

I think this is yet another great example of how fan girls tend not to think things through very well. Logically they would not have kissed, but a fan girl subsists entirely on out-of-character homosexuality!

Java was reading this thread and was like, "You guys are like English geniuses now, but before you were like... 'der-her-herp-bluh-bluh-fuh'", complete with wild arm movements and haphazardly mimed typing.

haha since i branched out into original stuff my logic and creativeness has improved substantially. not to mention my vocabulary XD

[† Emotional Outlet]

Oh cod, I started reading through my very first NaNo attempt and there is just... so much... wrong with it. Racism disguised with humour? Check. Internalised misogyny? Check. Excessively didactic author inserts? Check. Unnecessary or ill-placed exposition? Check. Lazy characterisation? Check. Slut shaming? Check, check, check, oh my god so many checks.

 

Lia placed the pillow behind her, repositioned herself so that she was in a comfortable sleeping position, and bid goodnight to her friends. They answered in unison—they even sounded equally tired. It was almost as though they had become the same person, or even had some sort of psychic connection—Liathita hoped not. She hated people who weren’t individuals.

 

One of many author insertions that really demonstrate what my mindset as a teenager was.

 

Gaelen’s elder sister, Kimora, was off flirting with as many people as she could, trying to bend over as often as possible so that people could see down her low cut shirt and up her short skirt. She didn’t attend the school anymore, as she had graduated last year, but could never resist the chance to flirt.

 

I introduced a bunch of random characters and gave them flimsy characterisation. Lia apparently knows these people because the family had just moved in, which obviously meant that Lia absorbed knowledge of their names (which is believable considering how pushy Lia proves to be later in the story) in addition to random nuggets like, oh, the fact that Kimora apparently graduated last year and is still hitting on high schoolers. What happened to my childhood, that is creepy as hell, Kimora!

 

Also note that their names are random and, like, totally unique. (Lia's full name is Liathita. Yeah, try pronouncing that.)

 

“Yes. I am Gaelen Calian. This is my little brother, Yamato.”

 

For all her stilted speech, I wish Gaelen ended up being a serial killer. No one talks this way, though it seems to run in the family because Yamato (random Japanese name, that's cool, younger self) also talks the same way.

 

One of the students sat down on top of someone’s desk, crossing her legs when she got comfortable.

 

“Can I help you, Keri?” the boy asked.

 

“No,” she responded.

 

“Well, do you have a problem of some sort?” It was rather bizarre to him that she would be sitting on his desk like that.

 

“I have syphilis, but I do not think you can help, David.” Keri got off the desk and left the room. The teacher didn’t notice.

 

This exchange, while humourous, has zero effect on the story, and from what I can tell, these characters never show up again. Ever.

 

“You like math, right?”

 

Gaelen nodded, unsure of where Liathita was going with it. She began to copy down the questions onto her notebook, and promptly stopped when she heard what Liathita said.

 

“Then let’s add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and try to multiply.”

 

“You are so gross.” The redhead shook her head, frowning. She put down her pencil and turned to the teacher. “May I go jump off a cliff, please?”

 

This was preceded with Lia harassing Gaelen with a series of increasingly lame and gross pick-up lines, eventually culminating into this gem. Lia is creepy as hell and Gaelen is a serial killer. A+ characterisation, younger self.

[Pinkie Pie]

Luckily for me, all of my earliest attempts at writing were on notebook paper and what little made it online was posted on forums that have been dead for over eight years, so all of you will be spared my Kikyo/Naraku InuYasha fanfiction complete with Naraku ripping Kikyo's heart out and even crying over her which brought her back to life, Sesshoumaru making out with Sailor Moon, InuYasha being a total horndog over Kagome and everyone tragically dying at the end. I wrote a sequel to it from Naraku's point of view and it had Haku from Naruto, a Sesshoumaru/Naraku kiss and ended with Naraku tragically dying a beautiful death. And then there was the one that was Sango/Naraku where they were trapped in a cave and therefore fucked each other senseless that got stolen out of my notebook and passed around. ...People actually enjoyed it I

But then, there was the horrific Naruto fanfiction I attempted to write four years ago. This is wildly out of character for that time period, because I wasn't this shitty as writing so I have no idea what the hell I was thinking when I wrote it, but I tried to write something without doing it in a notebook first and it was literally the grossest thing since my InuYasha fanfiction days ide. It...exists online but I'm too embarrassed to actually link to it. Til then, it's there to be gawked at by the people who sail my old Naruto rare pairs.

[† Emotional Outlet]

I used to write Naruto fan fic, but it is also literally terrible. I didn't subject that fandom to my OCs, but I never got much into it. I read a few volumes of the manga and just drifted away from it. I never got past the Naruto/Sasuke kiss or the whole "LOLOLOL SAKURA HAS A BIG FOREHEAD AND SHE'S DUMB HURR" thing.

 

That's one thing I like about fan fiction. No matter awful it is, there is always someone who wants to know more about it and thinks it's really good. One of my Golden Sun fics involved an ant AU where everyone was literally an ant. I don't know what happened, but I'm sure nothing good came of that fic. People still thought it was hilarious and that I was a funny person.

[DuLake]

I'm so sad! I can't find my very earliest and most terrible fiction! And a lot of what I did find is so old it won't open! Oh well, I'll have to look/tinker. What I did find, however, was a masterful poem I wrote for my tenth grade English class:

 

 

Turkey or Turkey?

Turkey

Edible Landlocked

Gobbling Running Suffering

Turkey is a food, why name a country after food?

[Pinkie Pie]

lmao beautiful

also hi wow it's been so long are you back now i bet you don't even recognize me > w>

[† Emotional Outlet]

That is the best poem I have ever read.

[DuLake]

I just like that 10th grade me assumed everyone in the nation of Turkey was suffering because, well, who the hell knows anything about them?

[† Shazi]

best poem ever, you sir, are brilliant

[DuLake]

Damn, if everyone thought that was fun I should break out my ode to Skittles.

[† Shazi]

Are you sure you're not just an awesome poet in disguise?

[Pinkie Pie]

this tbh

 

lay it on us, man