Untitled by Master App

[Anonymous]

This is the first story I have ever written and is open to suggestions and I need a title so please feel free to share an opinion or a title.

Prolouge.

Explosions* Reggie screams "What the F**k!".

Wait lets start at the begining shall we. *sound of a vcr rewinding video*

It all began about a week ago when I was walking home from school.

As I was walking I saw a strange man on the side of the road who looked like he was passed out drunk,

so I asked him, "Are you ok?" he stood up and started to ramble about some alternate dimention and how there will

be a hero that will keep the real world safe through the Afterworld.

Then he said "this is your future do with it what you want."

Me being an average guy just shrugged it off and thought he was crazy.

So I headed home like nothing had ever happened.

The next day as I was being drove to school by my big brother Dean we needed to stop and get some gas.

Then suddenly as we were pulling into the gas station I saw a blinding light then everything went dark.

When I awoke I was alone in my brother's car dumbfounded there was no one for miles, I pulled out my phone to my

surprize there was no signal I thought, "ok this isn't funny everyone can come out now." but no one was there.

The ramblings of the man was true I had somehow ended up in an alternate dimention.

So I deceided to go and see if I could find anyone. I checked everywhere the buildings, the houses, and the businesses.

But sadly no one then I thought, "What if they are underground."

Edited October 7, 2012 by Emotional Outlet

[† Emotional Outlet]

It's good! I'm always a fan of first person perspective--although biased and generally told by an unreliable narrator, it does add quite a bit of personality to the narrative. Also helpful if your character doesn't run into a lot of other people, haha.

A few points to consider, if you don't mind. I'll put it in a spoiler if you don't want to read it. You opened the floor for suggestions, but I'm not sure you meant to include constructive criticism.

This could use some touching up as far as formatting and spelling goes. It interrupts the flow of the story somewhat.

It's a bit rushed. The opening scene with the explosions and the character's cry could be fleshed out quite a bit more. Make us see the explosions, the destruction. Make us see his expression, feel what he's feeling. You went from finding a hobo on the street to your character ending up in another dimension in less than two minutes. Let us get to know your character for a bit first, figure out a little about who he is.

We don't need an entire dissertation or biography on the guy, just a snippet--something to draw in the audience. Let us know how old he is, what he thinks about school, what he was thinking about before he ran into that hobo. Maybe he was wishing his life was more interesting. Maybe he just had gotten rejected by his dream girl and he wants to run away. Maybe his father got a job offer in middle-of-nowhere, Kansas, and he has to move. What's his relationship like with his brother? Does he look up to him? Does he resent being in his shadow?

Give us something to believe that this character is actually more than just a dude at school who happened to fall into another dimension. Maybe weird things keep happening to him? Maybe he has visions? Maybe his parents disappeared? There are so many directions you could go with this.

How does he "know" that he's in another dimension and not just drugged or dreaming? Maybe he had gotten into an accident and is in a coma!

It's an interesting premise and I hope you continue with it. I'm a big fan of fantasy, haha. Just remember that you don't have to rush things--build the world your characters live in. Give us something to immerse ourselves into.

Don't worry about titles so much. Right now, I haven't read enough to be able to offer a suitable title and that's not an issue in the least. I very rarely title my works before getting a decent way into the story, and a lot of writers I've talked to generally feel the same. The title is important, don't get me wrong, but nothing worth tearing your hair out over.