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Did anyone think about suicide before?

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Yes.


 


Thought about it, and acted.


 


I was in the category of one who carefully researched it first, found the method I was most comfortable with both in terms of myself and for those I was leaving behind to find (for some reason the idea of leaving a messy corpse behind to be found really bothered me, go figure) which was lethal drug overdose. 


 


I took what should have been a fatal dose for my age, size, and body weight plus 25% extra just to be sure and went to bed.


 


I woke up the next day in a stupor, went to school (I was 16 at the time), got through my first couple of classes before the teachers actually noticed there was something really wrong with me, got me to the office and found out what I had done and sent me to the hospital, where the doctors did not believe me about what I had taken and how much because they said I would have been a corpse if I was telling the truth (which had been the idea after all, sigh).  They then did my bloodwork to see what the reality was, and I have never forgotten the reaction they had when the results came back in and it told them that I hold told them the exact truth about the amount and nature of drug I had taken.  And I quote "The son of a bitch really did take all he said!  We need to get him into observation stat and detox his blood before whatever is keeping him alive changes its mind!"  I took some sour amusement at that, since I was rather pissed at being called a liar at the time.


 


It was only over a decade later that the mystery as to why I did not die then was solved when it was confirmed that I had a blood disorder which made my the opposite of a bleeder/hemophiliac, my blood clots way too easily/quickly than the norm, and the drug I had chosen to use because of availability in sufficient numbers was intended to kill me by thinning my blood out so much that it would seep through my vein walls and cause massive internal bleeding to a fatal conclusion, and it really would have worked if I had been normal in this regard.  Were it not for that then unknown factor I would not be here now relating this story.  Alas, my first boyfriend was not so lucky, 3 years after my attempt he made his own, and he apparently learned from my example, because he managed to get his hands on some cyanide from where he worked at and used it, all because he could not accept he was becoming more and more attracted to boys only (his father had seriously brainwashed him into the idea that a man is not a man is he doesn't want to nail women, being bi he could manage to work around, but when his system started to shut down altogether where women was concerned after several years of nailing every one he could, well that was more than he could deal with).


 


For me it wasn't depression so much as despair and a sense of no way out that fueled my attempt.  I literally felt like I had no way out of the pain filled life I was living, that the only people that cared for me would be gone soon themselves (grand-aunt in her 80s at that point, grand-mother in the same range), and that I was all alone, and that because I was a filthy male piece of scum (my mother had poured all her hatred of males into me since I was a very young child, it really warped my self image, which also had other things warping it, namely severe ADHD in the days before it was understood/recognized as a real disorder and all the problems that go with it) I did not have a place in this world.


 


Now, since then I have clearly found out otherwise, have a far healthier view of myself and my self-worth, but back then I simply wanted to die, both just to relive my burdens but to also remove myself from being a burden on everyone else, and in part to strike back at those I could not touch by using my death as a means of saying I got away from you and I spit on you.  Yes, I know, not very healthy, but it was what it was, I had a LOT of anger and pain in me in those days.  Depression though was not something I would say was so common for me, as I said at the beginning it was despair more than depression that got to me, I had finally hit my very last straw at the time and decided I wasn't going to put up with this anymore.


 


I have to say looking back though I always figured it would be my first boyfriend that would have survived our teens and found his way in life and someone to love him and to love, while I if I survived at all would be alone and unloved.  Instead he is dead, I am here, with a woman that loved me from the day we first met over 17 years ago, and having been happily married to me for over a decade, who makes my my life so warm and welcoming despite being permanently and significantly disabled.  It just goes to show you really never do know.


 


This has been a topic much in my mind over the past couple of months.  My mother has serious bipolar disorder and she went seriously suicidal a couple of months ago, bad enough that we had to hospitalize her for it and she is still there as of this writing (although finally with some minor improvement).  It has made me reflect on my own path with regard to this choice, and how it has affected me both in my own attempt and in the successful one of someone I loved most dearly.  Simply calling it the cowards way out is both a fair perspective and an unfair perspective from where I see things, more than anything else though I see it as a waste of potential and a tragedy, both in the successful act and in the forces/circumstance that lead someone to that point, and simply calling them cowards for being unable to face it is for me both true and also intolerant and demonstrating an inability to truly understand.  Yes, I know, that probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but it is how it feels for me.  Make of it what you will.


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Thats some serious stuff. I have thought about suicide but I've never acted on it.


But then I thought about the people I'd be leaving so I stoped myself, eventually the thought of commiting suicide passed.


 


Now I can't imagine why I ever thought about :D We should always cherish the life we have.


Even if times are tough(and I mean very tough) we have to fight that urge. Leaving all the people who love you is selfish.


Thats how I viewed it and is what led me to stop

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if i am going to commit suicide it will because of my surroundings.basically because of those who suppose to love me and care about me rather than the enemies.


seriously, the reason keeping me from committing suicide is related to what i believe. In my religion if someone commit suicide they will send surely send straight to hell (although it may sound unfair. however, i am not going to explain why, cuz this is another topic so don't ask me about it ) so i will waste my life for absolutely nothing. That's why i am thinking of erasing my existing rather than suicide ( of course there is no such a way).


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Looks like you're going through some problems

I have heard about this saying somewhere and it totally represents me :"if someone is sad he has one problem and if he is smiling, then he have a thousand problem"

that's me.Although i smile and laugh. I also have hatred for the world as well

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There is so much in universe that i care for its staggering lol, just living im infinitely happy, to be honest i wish there was way to become immortal so i could experience it all suicide could never be an option. 


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I've had to many people in my life die that way. One was my best friend.


 


when I was a child my uncle died possibly by accidental overdose.


when I was in high school a female friend was going through some stuff and took pills for attention.


she died.


when I was in high school a friend jumped in front of a train. His family pushed him to that point. (didn't feel loved)


in 2004 my best friend Jumped in front of a train. He was hearing voices and lost it. Apparently


he thought Satan was telling him to kill himself.


His brother is a small time movie producer who made a movie about this.. It's called "West"


At the end it says Dedicated to Michael. The man character jumps in front of a train at the end


and kills himself.


Some years ago a friend attempted suicide because his partner was cheating on him. (ate rat poison)


A few years ago a friend Hung himself because if partner cheated on him. (not the same one)


 


In my experience it's usually done because a person is not feeling loved. Then there is money issues, mental issues or depression.


I feel the biggest reason is people do not feel loved and there for see no value in their own life.


Edited by theNexus

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Never, I know a few people who were going to at one point.

Most of them were considering it because of familly abuse.

There family, whether its there mom, dad, siblings, grand parents, they tell them that they are a disapointment to the familly and how they wish they had never had them, call them usless waste of life, ect.

Then the familly goes and spreeds that through out the neigborhood, then the person they are talking about is driven to suicide, because there familly hates them.

Fortunatly they didn't go through with it.

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I believe everyone thinks about suicide at one point or another, some just have the balls to admit it.  Because of the sigma of mental health in merrrrca its not a subject people talk about because they are with the anti intellectualism movement and or dumb and does not know the difference.  Thankfully im 25 years old and my brain is fully matured so its not a real problem any more.  I have thought about running away more then suicide thou but that was before i owned my own house and had the ability to own fully automatic weapons legally.   Nothing says love like an fnp90 and that's my anti suicide motto also "the truth is out there."


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i have thought about it  quite a bit over the years but ultamitly i come cometo the conclusion, if i kill my self it means i gave up. i just cant give up it not in me so i stay alive out of spite against the universe.

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yes hit rock bottom and was all alone then an old friend came out of nowhere and helped me through a lot of it

 

now i have so much to live for i have a son and 2 daughters on the way

explain...

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For years I had lived a not so good life, My parents are separated, My dads a abusive crazy lying fuck, while my mother just doesn't care about her children and wanted to abandon us after her divorce. Been through lots of other stuff but I always managed to live through it, and finding something to smile about. That was until a man decided to lie about loving me. People talk about love like it's nothing. But once you really fall in love that person becomes the only person in the world who can hurt you and when they turn on you, it's the worst feeling in the world. He called me a worthless bitch, that he never loved me after promising me a life and claiming his undying love to me, to trick me I guess. I lost 60 pounds, I was skin and bones and could no longer recognize my own thin arms. I became depressed, I lost all faith in humanity. People are horrible. They care not for others. This went on for months, I tried, I got into a relationship. But this man cared not for others. I told him I was depressed and he said he didnt feel like comforting me and I dont understand that, tried to make me out to be the bad guy, Dumped me and ignored me from then on. His friends(who were also supposed to be my friends) then harassed me, threatened to phone the cops on me and other horrible shit. I tried overdosing on advil and tylenol(I'm supposed to be allergic to it but I guess I'm not) Failed. So then awhile later after being harassed even more, I had lied to my doctor and got a prescription for sleeping pills that were sitting there for awhile, So i downed the whole bottle and started hallucinating, got taken to the hospital. Afterwards my mother said it's my own fault and asked when I'm paying rent. it was a month later when i met my current boyfriend who seems to be the person besides me in the whole world that gives 2 fucks about anyone but themselves. 


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