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Found 53 results

  1. 15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time: 1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'... and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'. 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! It's those voices again'. ! and last but not least, 15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud "We're out of toilet paper in here..." OH YEAH, best field trip to Wall Mart I've ever had. OHHHH YYYEEEAAHHHHH.
  2. Alright simple just post your favorite Yo Mama Jokes, you can also include a picture with it if you want to. Try to keep it to one per post. One rule only, if you have feelings or are easily insulted then this is for nothing but comedic reasons, other than that enjoy and remember everything that is said in here means nothing it's just simple fun. Alright then I'll start with an old classic.
  3. Check your Dirty IQ! Questions: 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I? 5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? Answers: 1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course! Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
  4. I saw this as a topic on another forum and i thought i would post it here. How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
  5. It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A sexologist 15. A gynaecologist 16. A psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist 19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organizer 22. A good father 23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive 28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30. Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender 33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36. Prudent 37. Ambitious 38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable 43. Passionate 44. Compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. Give her compliments regularly 46. Love shopping 47. Be honest 48. Be very rich 49. Not stress her out 50. Not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Leave him alone ---------- And some hilarious replies to this from the field: ~ "In other words.... a lesbian." ~~ "Then, on the 8th day, God created "Mastercard" and all was forgiven & fixed" ~~~ "HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Make him food 2. Have sex with him 3. Leave him alone" Fixed." ~~~~ "What do you call a woman who can't make a sandwich...... single!"
  6. I'm not trying to start a sex war, this only mean in HUMOR. I've seen this before, odds are likely you have too. So here we go... Men's Rules (that women should know) 1. Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 7. We don't remember dates. . . .Period!! 8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 13. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!! 15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 19. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 26. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.) 28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  7. Here is a paragraph I wrote about my friend Sebastian who thought he could create a messed up scenario with me in it. Then I outmatched him with this short little scenario hahaha. The year is 2074, the death penalty has been replaced by a more severe punishment. It is known as the 'Steel Balls Treatment'. All that have endured it have either died or suffered from immense shell-shock in addition to being permanently crippled. Sebastian looked up at the judge, pokerfaced. That was until the judge announced his sentence to 3 years with "Fifi" the bearer of the Steel Balls. The cell beside the judge's chair began to shake, the sound of large footsteps approaching the metal bars grew louder. There he stood, Fifi, 8 feet tall, bald and muscular beyond description. But what was more horrifying was his 12 inch penis and pair of steel balls the size of tennis balls. Fifi began to speak, looking down upon Sebastian from the gate. "Fifi is present sire, Fifi will punish Sebastian. What is the length of his sentence?" Fifi's voice was deep, filled with malice and sexual power, his lust seeping from the bars itself. It wasn't even erect yet. "3 Years Fifi. Shou thou art sodomise him at least thrice a day two hours per session." and Fifi replied "It shall be done my lord." The cell opened and Sebastian was tossed inside. His pokerface had subsided and was replaced with fear at the thought of what's to come...
  8. Just a funny story I found when poking around the internet
  9. Another funny story I found while surfing the web
  10. NUN Hookers A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
  11. My First Time The sky was dark The moon was high All alone Just her and I Her hair so soft Her eyes so blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best To place my hand On her breasts I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when she did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it's finished It's all over now My first time Milking a cow
  12. Stolen from the forum site I lurk at: 1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again. 13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever. 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away? 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. 21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it. 22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? 25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 26. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? 27. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 28. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 29. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
  13. I found the mens rules for women http://forums.kamets...ght=Girls rules (located there) So Upon searching I failed to find the girls rules so I am gonna add them now ^.^ GIRLS RULES TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT US!!! 1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out. 2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening. 3. Don't say you understand when you don't. 4. Girls are petty, get over it. 5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. 6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. 7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't. 8. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you. 9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big. 10.A system in your car only impresses your homeboys. 11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig. 12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes. 13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize. 14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it. 15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it. 16. We are drama queens. 17. Fashion police do exist. 18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it. 19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc. 20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times. 21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it. 22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out. 23. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it. 24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not. 25. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake. 26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets. 27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.) 28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't. 29. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else. 30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.
  14. Figured I'd post this from the little demonstration given by TCL. Here Ninja Facts Ninja are amazing creatures, although very hard to study. Over the last several centuries, the following things have carefully researched about ninja: “And then God said, "Here you go Earth, Have some ninja.” ~ The Bible on ninja Ninja do NOT condone any of these facts to be true. To acknowledge these facts would mean ninja exist, and they, like dragons, fairies, and Abraham Lincoln, have never been seen.
  15. “I had to change my name after my death, for future prequels, as ordered by Square's Victims Relocation plan...”~ Aerith Gainsborough on Her Death “You Fool! NOW THEY KNOW WHO AERITH IS!”~ Square Employee on the above quote “The case is known for it's... er... well... it's known for being famous.”~ Midgar History Channel Documentary on The Case The Incident The incident could of occurred from 1995-Present Day. It has been singled down to three confirmed persons; Cloud Strife, Aeris Gainsborough, and Sephiroth. Others may have been present including Tifa Lockheart, Yuffie Somethinggari, Red XIII (Criminal Nickname: Nanaki) and Mr. T. There is High Controversy over the location of one, Vincent Valentine, at the time. The location of the incident has been nicknamed the Forgotten City, and the event was the murder of Aeris, by Sephiroth. Authorities have also made a link of this incident to the Nibelheim incident, some years ago. Profiles of each of the suspects follow. Sephiroth Primary Suspect Personal Features: Long, Silver Hair. Eyes: Range from A Blue in some appearances to a Teal in others. Last Seen in: The Nibelheim Reactor Weapon: Masusume (Huge Sword) Notes: Thought to be dead. Ex-Soldier, if seen, approach with a lot of caution. Aeris Gainsborough Victim Personal Features: Wears pink, acts in a childish manner, possibly brought on by a mental issue. Eyes: Green Last seen in: The Pool in Forgotten City. Weapon: A (Stripper) Pole. Notes: Part of the Square Witness Relocation Program. Various rumors surround her as to if she can be brought back. Cloud Strife Suspect Personal Features: Gravity Defying Hair. Should be easy to spot from outer space. Eyes: Blue Last seen at: The Forgotten City (brought in for the case) Weapon: A Huge Sword. Exercise semi-caution if approached. Notes: Seems to have a connection to Sephiroth. Also, seems to be the center of a rape love octagon/ nonagon between Tifa, Aeris, Aerith Yuffie, Cid, Cait Jedi, REDCOCK XIII and Barret. Possibly also Vincent. The Case “All Rise for the Honorable Judge Judy, Presiding. The Case is the People of Midgar City, Versus Sephiroth.”~ Balif on The Opening Lines of the Case “No! I Do Not care if the man in question, was trying to summon a Meteor to doom us all! He can do that if he wants! The point is, he committed murder, and Justice must be served either way!”~ Judge Judy on Sephiroth's Lawyer ObjectionThe case was judged by the finest in Midgar, Judge Judy. It went for a total of five days. The Jury agreed the highlight of the case was the artist's impression of the moment of Aeris death. Although evidence came in the form of Cutscenes, the Jury and Judge were left to make decisions on that of the witnesses' and suspects recounts. Sephiroth showed extreme lack of empathy, so it was hard to get him to acknowledge what he had done was in fact wrong. Since Sephiroth tried to destroy the planet, he feared appearing in court would result in charges against him of that scale. His terms of appearing was he be legally exempt from those charges, and this was granted. Sephiroth's Trial Sephiroth had hired elite Shin-Ra lawyers to help him win the case. Multiple variables made the trial complicated, and in the end, the Cutscenes collected were deemed not enough evidence to prosecute Sephiroth. Although not found guilty of murdering Aeris, Continuation of the trial urged on by Sephiroth's lack of cooperation. His Defense stated that "[sephiroth] was in a tree, slicing branches with his sword when he fell out, landed on Aeris (with his sword still drawn) here by killing her, accidentally. This looked at from the view of Cloud Strife and his party, looked like Sephiroth jumped out and purposely killed Aeris." Even so, Sephiroth's statement beforehand gave a motive for the incident- "She Was part of my big plan, to summon meteor..." which made inconsistencies with his defense. He was cleared of Murder, and charged with Accidental Murder by the Jury, and sentenced to 45 weeks of Community Service, including helping out at repairing the Sector 7 church for Aeris' Funeral. Cloud's Trial “Your honor, while yes Sephiroth may have "accidentally stabbed" Mrs. Gainsborough, her true cause of death was due to a delayed treatment of her wounds. Everyone knows that you can revive anyone with a Phoenix Down (...I think...). Everyone except apparently...MR. CLOUD STRIFE!!!”~ Sephiroth's Lawyers on Cloud's Charges. Charged with Criminal Negligence, Evading Arrest, Tampering with a Crime Scene and Investigation, as well as possible Assisting in the Death of Aeris. He was charged with Criminal negligence because Sephiroth's defense argued that he could've used a Phoenix Down to revive Aeris. Instead, he decided to dump her body in a nearby pond, where he presumed no one would find it- this, along with Sephiroth's initial attack, presented an "Overkill" like effect, thus, assisting in killing the victim. However, Cloud's defense rebutted with "Dying in battle is much different to dying in the field or outside of battle. You simply can't be brought back to life. Usually, in battle, one can faint and be revived, or after the battle given 1 hp, but it just doesn't happen outside of battle." When asked about why he put Aeris in the pond, neither Cloud nor his defense had anything to say about it. He also was asked why he drove away from pursuing officers on his motorbike, the "Hardy Daytona" after the incident. Cloud said that "He thought they were there about the whole Hair Gel shoplifting thing". This resulted in the charges of completely unrelated Shop Lifting, and Tampering with Crime Scene and Investigation for dumping the body. Tifa's Trial “Guilty on charge of being too sexy!”~ A member of the jury, <insert name here>'s bad pick up line upon seeing Tifa enter. Intitially not charged with anything, she was bought in because of another claim by Sephiroth's lawyers, that once again changed his story, "He fell out the tree because of Tifa's natural assets". This resulted in a charge of indecent exposure, which was lifted when she showed all men in the jury (which outnumbered the woman 3 to 1) her boobs. She also had a motive to kill Aeris-Aerith and Her (along with Cid, Cait Jedi, REDCOCK XIII, Yuffie and Barret) where in a RAPE Love Octagon with Cloud. Vincent's Trial “WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT PRESENT AT THE INCIDENT?”~ Judge on The Question asked more than anything else at Vincent's trial.Vincent, initially brought in for questioning, was charged with interfering with an investigation. This was because he could not give a direct answer to the simple question of whether or not he was present at the time of the incident. He could only answer "Maybe..". The only other question was 'Were you, Vincent, at the time, or still are, in competition for Cloud's affections with Cid, Cait Jedi, REDCOCK XIII, Yuffie, Barret and the late Aeris Gainsborough!?'. he answered Maybe, again. Eventually, He exploded into a fit of rage consisting of satanic transformations, shooting for no reason at all, yelling of foul words, and before he left the court room, he unleashed his wrath on the nearby streets. The next day, he issued a press conference stating, "You've got to understand, I may have been there or I may have not. It all depends on how you played the game. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but that's just how it is. That's just how RPG's work." he also apologized for his actions, thereby releasing him from charges in some strange, twisted way. Yuffie Somethingari After Vincent's shock outrage, another factor that would complicate the proceedings even more was uncovered. Yuffie, Ninja and Hentai Superstar (yet not as popular as Tifa) She also had various tie-ins with the case. Unlike Vincent, she took things very calmly, and took faceloads of it too. When brought to testify against Sephiroth, as the defense's last hope, she was able to avoid answering any questions but did give the court some key evidence- Vincent was, in fact, In a love triangle, as proved by a photo of the two sharing an apartment in Costa-Del-Soil. The two allegedly met inside a coffin, and Vincent was traumatized already by the recent break up of him and a Professor Hojo. The Results Sephiroth was found guilty of Accidental Murder, Cloud was found guilty of Shoplifting Expensive Hair gel products, Tifa was found not guilty on charges of Indecent Exposure, and to this day, the death of Aeris Gainsborough is still very much a mystery. What really happened that day lies in the secrets of the planet-and remains the single most infamous case in the history of Midgar City. The Church in Sector 7 was never rebuilt by Sephiroth, instead used by his spawn and destroyed even more in another fight with Cloud, causing in the Church's flooding. Sephiroth, although now well presumably dead, has been charged with Destruction of Government Property, and has yet to make an appearance in his trials. Reopening Midgar Police have tried to get the courts to re-open the case and use the technology of today to simulate a "remake" of her death. When Midgar Police approached the massive company that took over from Shinra Electric Power Co, Square Enix, they repeatedly declined. Various rumors are spread now and then that Square Enix is actually hiding incriminating evidence found when they remade the scene, due to there close tie-in with Cloud Strife, stating at a conference in 2006, "He brings a lot more money then any other employee we have- we just have to put him holding something, or doing stuff and... suckers buy it in an instant. Whether it be a PS3, or a Mobile Phone... in fact, all we have to do is say the name Cloud and fangirls have orgasms, and fanboys have fantasies of being him." (Original Source : Uncyclopedia)
  16. a woman at the funeral of her mother. There, she meets a man she doesn't know and has never met, who she thinks is her dream partner. But, because of the circumstances, she forgets to ask for his number, and she can't find him afterward. A few days later, she kills her own sister. Why?
  17. When helping your fiance clean out her purse, if you find an old spray canister at the bottom, do not spray it on your wrist, then rub, to check to see if the "Perfume" is still any good. You should also ignore the desire to scratch anywhere near your groin until you have washed your hands. Because, if your luck is like mine, the "Perfume" will turn out to be very old pepper spray. Yes, it still works. Yes, it takes a moment to kick in. Yes, you will be laughed at in the ER.
  18. found this on one of my friend's page and made me laugh so hard. 1. We do not understand the words “ching chong”. 2. Not all Koreans make nuclear bombs or eat dogs. 3. Just cause you see an Asian person it doesn’t mean they’re Chinese, they could be Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Filipino etc. 4. We are not all communists. (( only north korean )) <—Rofl 5. Asian girls with long black hair HATE being called The Grudge or the girl from The Ring8. Same goes for Asian guys and being called Grudge boy. 6. We don’t use THAT much M.S.G. 7. Don’t ask us to speak our language, we will when we feel like it. 8. We don’t know how to translate your name so stop asking cause most likely we can’t. 9. Don’t ask us to teach you curse words either. 10. Stop trying to pair up Asian guys and girls at your school and say they look cute together. Not all Asians belong together. 11. All Asian countries speak different languages. 12. Just because we’re Asian it doesn’t mean that we know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do etc. Even though we are probably capable of kicking your butt anyway. 13. Don’t say all Asian people look the same, that’s like saying all white people look the same, all African Americans look the same and all Hispanics look the same. 14. Surprise! Not all Asians are good at maths. 15. Not all Asians are short. 16. Or skinny. 17. Just to let you know, it’s NOT funny when you tape your eyes up and start speaking gibberish. That just gives us another reason to kick your butt. 18. Go ahead, make fun of us. We’ll just make fun of you in our own language. 19. It’s ok for us to call each other F.O.B’s but if you call us one you’re asking for a beating. 20. Yeah we eat rice, and what? 21. Don’t fold your hands and bow at us like you know what you’re doing cause honestly you look like an idiot. 22. Don’t ask if the Chinese use cat in their food, if they did they would label it “cat chow mein” instead of chicken chow mein. They don’t use cat if you didn’t already guess that by now. 23. No…Yao Ming is not my uncle. 24. Chopsticks are the perfect utensil and the easiest to wash.
  19. Men facts 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high. 2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. 5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder. 7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway. 8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee. 10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does. 11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman. 12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong, caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them. 13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets. 14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man. 15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ..."don't" and "stop" (Unless they're used together). 16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's. 17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ... give him a day and he will be back to his usual self. 18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by. 19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden ... he is probably checking out the woman behind you. 20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar ...once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but don't know where it goes.
  20. Not as bad as the facts about men, so if you know a better list, feel free to post it. =O 1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control. 2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'. 4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. 5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. 7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. 8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. 9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. 10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. 11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. 12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. 13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch. 14. Women think all beer is the same. 15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. 16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. 18. Women brush their hair before bed. 19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. 20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. 21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? 22. Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?' 23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. 29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards. 30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. 32. The first naked man women see is 'Ken'. 33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 35. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language. 36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women. 37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. 38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. 39. If it is not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' 40. Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. 41. Did I mention that even after a careful and through explaination to the men in their lives, only women will understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'? 42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. 43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble) 44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. 45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. 46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? 47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. 48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together. 49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women. 50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'
  21. Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman
  22. July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound. July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused. July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all. July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet. July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard. JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION. AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON. AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE. AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY. AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money. August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find. August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more. August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is. August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group. August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words. August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like. August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
  23. Okay so if you guys haven't seen this yet, I recommend reading it, quite a good one in my opinion It might be a bit long but it is quite funny. http://thechive.com/...missing-poster/ Had to put it as a link because it is quite long and has several pictures as well.
  24. It was a normal day. Nothing bad about it. Then again, nothing good about it, either. I should have taken the day off. I should have called in sick. Made some excuse. I should have just lied there in bed and fallen asleep again. But, I didn't. And that was a BIG mistake. Instead, i got up. I took a shower. I went to work. I sat at my booth. Then, IT began. A co-worker was hitting on one of the female interns. I should have sat there and ignored them. I should have answered my girl-friend's e-mail. I should have called some one over. But, i didn't. I went over there. I yelled at my co-worker for sexual harrassment. I got into a fight with him, a fist fight. That was a BIGGER mistake. Then, HE came over. The boss called us to his office. He sat us both down and yelled at ME for being too violent and threatened to fire me. I should have stayed quiet. I should have taken the verbal abuse. I should have smiled and said “Sorry sir”. But, i didn't. I lost my cool. I called him a leech excuse for a boss. I told him to stick it. I told him things i wish i could take back. That was my BIGGEST mistake. ---------------- They walked me through an underground tunnel. I had never known that the tunnel existed. The boss didn't fire me. He condemned me to a worse fate. The men in white who were leading me sat me down on a chair and handcuffed me to a computer desk. They then booted the computer and gave me my assignment. When I heard it, my reaction was :- “NO!!!!!! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I'M SORRY!!! I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!! PLEASE ... LET ME GO!!!!!” But they didn't listen. They just turned around and left. And I ended up in the worst position possible. My task :- to edit Rens' posts and fix the grammar. I've been here two months now and I think I may be able to leave in just 3 more years.
  25. A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interupts. "Honey. could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now" He looks at her an says angrily, "Fix the light, now? Does it look like i have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!" The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right" To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have hotpoint written on my forehead? I dont think so!" "Fine" She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break" "Im not a damn carpenter and i dont want to fix the steps! Does it look like i have Woddies DIY written on my forehead? I dont think so! Ive had enough of you! Im going to the bar!!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey? He asks. "How'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him, or bake a cake" He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him? She replied, "Hellooooo, do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I dont think so!"
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